Sunday, October 11, 2015

Do You Have A Story To Tell?



A human life is not a life until it is examined;
it is not a life until it is truly remembered and appropriated;
and such a remembrance is not something passive but active. . .
the creative construction of one’s life.
Oliver Sacks

A friend of mine, Ted (names changed), is in the throes of a job search.  He’s interviewed at one company that seems interested as they asked him to take an Emotional Intelligence assessment.  His answers were analyzed into a fifty-page report!  He was pleasantly surprised by much of what the report outlined and disagreed with some aspects of the diagnosis.  I’m not a fan of personality assessments as I think they’re limited in how they can actually help a person.  I don’t think the results allow for a person to “appropriate” who they are in all their nuance and complexity.  Taking an assessment is not the same as examining one’s life.

This summer I was an instructor at a three-day college essay writing boot camp for seniors at a private high school.  As you may know, part of the college application process requires at least one, sometimes two essays.  The prompts are common to all schools.  Check out some of the prompts that high schoolers across the U.S. are writing about:

1.     Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

2.     Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

3.     Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you and explain that influence.

4.     Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

5.     Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

6.     The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success.  Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure.  How did it affect you and what did you learn from the experience?

7.     Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea.  What prompted you to act?  Would you make the same decision again?

Imagine you were applying for a job and the director of H.R. handed you these prompts and asked you to select two and write a six-hundred and fifty word essay on each. Could you do it?  

I worked with an impressive group of seniors and each of their approaches to selecting an essay impressed and moved me.  Jared loves molecular biology – it’s what makes him come alive. Darren still wrestles with the death of his dad who taught him the importance of devoting ten thousand hours to whatever skill he wants to master.  Lacey is a nice Jewish girl who went away to summer school and had the shock of her life – she became friends with a Jordanian Muslim.  Ted has a diagnosed OCD condition that complicated his coming out gay to his family and friends because he needed to do it “perfectly.”  When Eddie began high school he went around saying, “I’m not just a freshman” and he’s been resisting labels ever since.  David used to play soccer until he climbed on a surf board, caught his first wave and found inner calm.

I was moved working with these kids as they agonized over what prompt to choose and what story to tell.  I marveled at their excitement as they realized they did have a story to tell, that they are different today than when they began high school.  I thrilled as each released his or her grip on fear and found their own individual voice.   

The wonder of the boot camp was seeing each kid learned how to live a life worth examining and sharing.  And they learned this greatest of skills by being willing to not worry if a particular story is what “they” (school admissions officers) want to hear but worry rather – does this story tell who I am?

What about you – what’s your story?

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

How To Be Good WITH People



I was at Starbucks waiting in line for my order – and listening in on a conversation a woman was having with the barista.  Seems he’d left Starbucks for another job but has returned having been laid off at that short-lived  job.  The woman offered sympathy saying,  “You’ll be okay because you’re so good with people.”  He thanked her and tossed the compliment back, saying, “You are, too.”  She demurred, “Not really.  I’m not good with people at all!”

I don’t know why she thinks she isn’t good with people, but she did get me thinking – what does it mean to be “good with people”?  Okay, so there are scores and scores of ways to be “good” with and to people.  Recently, though, I was reminded that one of the best ways is simply to pay attention to people.

Last month I met with Lauren (names changed), an executive who was interested in bringing someone onboard for her team’s annual training.  Although she was cordial, I couldn’t get a read on how things were going.  When it was time to leave I wasn’t sure that I had won the contract.

But, then, as we approached the door, I noticed a cluster of black-and-white photos of Pacific islands.  Hawaii?  I asked Lauren if she’d taken them.  She had.  We spent another five minutes chatting about our mutual love of Hawaii – and, yes, Lauren hired me.

Last week I visited a client at his downtown office.  The receptionist, Amy, greeted me with a smile and a, “Nice to see you, JP.”  Because it’s a large company and she encounters hundreds of visitors weekly, I was impressed she remembered my name (most people confuse my initials within minutes of meeting me).  When I complimented her memory, she simply said, “It’s easy to remember nice people.”

Okay, I know this borders on the corny, but. . .

A couple of months ago, I met with my client on what happened to have been Amy’s first day.  She incorrectly validated my parking ticket and I had to go back up to the office to have it fixed.  Amy was apologetic and I just made a joke about it.

Last week she told me she had been embarrassed that her mistake caused me to waste my time.  She appreciated my patience and understanding.  I was floored.  It really had been no big deal.

So here’s the thing – part of being good with people is paying attention to them.  The Latin root of “attention” is “attendere” – to reach toward.  To reach toward another person with interest – with curiosity – with empathy and humor.  Yes, that’s what it means to be good with people.

Would Lauren have hired me had I not noticed her photos of Hawaii?  I think most likely.  However, those last five minutes spent chatting made each of us even more human to the other.  And more likeable.

Would Amy have given me a friendly greeting had I been less than understanding over her mistake?  She’s a smart woman and so she would have, even if she thought I was a jerk.  But I helped her ease into a new job and in turn she’s making life easier for a whole lot of other people.

Being good with people is actually as simple as making a Starbucks Iced, Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, Sugar Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte.  All you have to do is pay attention!