Wednesday, August 26, 2015

10 Things Trustworthy, Trust-Generating Pros Do



Last October I had the privilege to speak at the Titleist Performance World Golf Summit – even, though I only play miniature golf!  I spoke on how coaches, trainers and teachers can create trust between themselves and their clients.  I explained that no matter what your field trust springs up when your client believes that you “see” and understand them.

In my talk I highlighted the basic communication skills that go into creating trust: listening, managing emotions, understanding your biases and using well-chosen words.

In the months since that talk, I’ve recognized a marked difference between those who are able to create a trusting relationship and those who seem robotic.  Yes, clearly there’s a difference in communication skills BUT there’s also that “something else.” 

I’m now convinced that the “something else” hovers around whether the coach, teacher, healer (substitute “manager” or “leader”) trusts their own individual self – trusts not just their professional skill set, but trusts their own person and their ability to enter into a relationship with others.

In order to establish trust with your client you need to trust your own self.

What does it mean to trust your own self?  While it’s about being “confident”, it’s about more than confidence.  When you trust your self certain observable things happen – or at least, you’re willing to let happen. 

Trusting your self means that you –

1.     Believe that what you’re doing is worthwhile and you’re committed to the job.  Golf legend Scott Foley said it best: “I’m here to touch the individual lives of the people that I work with.  I was raised on the idea that when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night the goal is to leave the world in a better place than you found it.” 
2.     Readily and willingly make yourself vulnerable and are not easily embarrassed.
3.     Experience empathy for what your client is feeling, thinking.
4.     Respect failure and mistakes and so are patient because you know the process demands it.
5.     Convey knowledge and competency with a non-arrogant alertness so that a potential problem is addressed with, “here’s how we’ll handle it.”
6.     Telegraph joy in what you’re doing through a palpable sense of liveliness, exchange and laughter.
7.     Focus on the client and are not self-absorbed because the on-going dynamic of the relationship is paramount.
8.     Understand the inherent power of story – realizing that a command of facts alone doesn’t generate trust.
9.     Go about your business rooted in the belief that the ultimate goal is to hear a client say, “I hadn’t thought of that before.”  It’s all about discovery.
10.  Are grateful – for the skill, the client, the opportunity.  Everything rests on this.  Seriously, have you ever met an ingrate you trusted?  How can there be trust without gratitude?

I think these ten traits flow from being able to answer the most basic and simple of questions: “Who do I want to be?”  Answer that question and you will inevitably come to trust yourself – and so create a trusting relationship with your clients.

A recent client of mine told me that he wants to be known for five characteristics: Intriguing / interesting / powerful / knowledgeable / humble.  He believes that he is these words and also that he can become “more” of these words.  I’ve been working with him only a short while but I can see how those words mark him and why his business practice is getting noticed. 

The truest of truths is that people will most trust you when you trust yourself.  Why?  Because the more you trust yourself, the more you’ll –
·      trust your client
·      trust the process of the relationship
·      help the client trust him / her self

Trust is a circular experience.  A client or colleague trusts you when they believe you “see” them.  You can only see them when you see and trust your self.  The more you trust yourself, the more you can help your client trust his or her own self. 

Help a client trust their own self and they will come to believe that they can “do it” – whatever skill that “it” might be.

Ultimately, the circle of trust begins with you.
There’s no magic to any of this, though when trust happens, it can be magical.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

The One Sure Thing That Motivates People


Last week I met with a new client at a café.  Nate (name changed) has been hired to increase profits at a family-owned design business.  He’s MBA smart and good at what he does.  Only problem – he’s managed to tick-off most of his colleagues and a fair number of customers within six months!  Nate knows he can increase profits and take the business to the next level – if only people would stop giving pushback.  He’s frustrated that people don’t see things his way and he doesn’t understand why.

While we were talking, a server came by our table with his order.  Nate didn’t acknowledge her with even a simple “thanks.”  It might seem nit-picky of me to have noticed but the last time we were at this café he didn’t thank the server.  The little things are the big things because they reveal so much about a person.

While I’ve enjoyed my conversations with Nate – he’s friendly, respectful and seems genuinely interested in improving his skill set – I’m fascinated by his lack of curiosity for other people.  This lack results in his forgetting basic social etiquette with the “help.”  And I think that’s how he thinks of anyone working for him!  When I pointed out that saying “thank you” is polite in a social setting and critical in a work setting, he was taken aback.

He incredulously asked, “Why should I thank people for doing their job when I’m paying them?  Shouldn’t that be enough?”

Perhaps that “should” be enough; however, for most of us, it’s not.  Because we’re psychological creatures, we all have a deep-seated need to be seen and appreciated.  Not coddled.  Recognized.

Later, he shared that he wants to increase efficiency with the head bookkeeper.  He told her the story of how Goldman Sachs (a firm he’d worked for) distinguishes itself with a rigorous system that reduces error to virtually nil.  And that’s what he wants – an error free bookkeeping department because fewer errors means greater profit.  He’s frustrated, though, because bookkeeping gave him pushback.

I suspect Goldman aims for an error-free protocol not just because of profits.  “Error-free” is platinum customer-service and that’s what separates the good from the great – customer service, not profits.  Most people are motivated by and take pride in reputation before profit. 

I told Nate that the architect Mies van der Rohe claimed, “God is found in the details.”  He got excited because that’s what he had told the bookkeeper – that “the devil is found in the details.”  I burst out laughing.  Mies found God in the details and Nate finds the devil.  Which motivates people best?  He was sheepish when I asked him that question.

What about you?  What is it like to work with or for you?!

Sunday, August 09, 2015

How A "Loser In Love" Inspired Me!


Last month I invited Dylan, an LMU college senior, to speak in my UCLA class “How To Talk To Anyone.”  A few years ago Dylan considered himself boring – and it was affecting his dating life.  Although he’s smart, athletic and good-looking, he was a self-described “loser in love.”  I invited him to my class because his story is rather unusual.

One Saturday night he came back to his dorm room a bit drunk and a whole lot discouraged.  He’d gone to a party and failed to connect with any of the girls.  He went on Facebook looking for distractions when a pop-up ad appeared for a dating coaching site promising near-instant success with women. The guy offering advice promised that his video would reveal, among other things, the secret to making every conversation have the “fun, seductive vibe all the best do naturally.”

Desperate and willing to try anything, Dylan bought the video.  Somehow he was able to look beyond the cheese and extract the key truths behind the hype. He grew in confidence and learned how to engage girls (and guys) in conversation.  And, yes, he now has a great girlfriend. 

Dylan offered my class four key truths he’s learned – truths that extend beyond dating and that go to heart of being both engaging and confident:

First, HOW you say something is even more important that WHAT you say.  Non-verbal sets the tone, i.e. the basics of the look in the eye, the smile, and an assured handshake.   

Second, trust the “60/40” Rule – upwards of sixty percent of what goes on in a conversation is beyond our control.  If a person has had a lousy day or is preoccupied in any way, then that will influence how they see and respond to you.  You have to take care of and be responsible for the forty percent that’s in your control.   

Third, understand the “value” you bring to an encounter.  If you don’t believe you bring any value then why should you expect the other person to value their time with you?  Keep telling yourself that you’re “boring” and your words become a self-fulfilling prophecy.   

Fourth, learn from failure.  Not everyone will enjoy you, yet you can learn from every encounter.

So how did I meet Dylan?  I was a guest speaker in one of his college classes.  Afterwards he asked for my card and a couple of weeks later we met for coffee. I shared my story; he told me his and I knew his journey from “boring” to “engaging” had to be shared with my class. 

What Dylan reminded my class is this – no one has to be “boring.”   
Boring is a learned trait and so it can be unlearned!

Sunday, August 02, 2015

The One Thing You Have To Do In Order To Shock People



Randy Garutti, COO of famed Shake Shack, constantly tells his team members to,

“Put us out of business because you are so damn generous with what you give the people who walk in this door.”

He wants customers to leave a Shake Shack shaking their smiling heads saying,
“I can’t believe what that guy did at Shake Shack.”

Clients will often ask me what they have to do to persuade people to work with them. What they’re really asking me is: What makes the best “best”?

And the answer is simple –
have people be in disbelief at your generosity.

Consider this core of the core question:
What does generosity look like for you?