Are You Interesting Enough?

NOTE:  Currently, I’m teaching a six-week workshop at UCLA Extension titled, How To Talk To Anyone.  The workshop is aimed at people who want to figure out how to talk tactfully, intelligently and spontaneously in a variety of situations and with a broad range of people. I’m posting progress reports here as well as updates on what I’m doing to help the participants find their own individual voice.  This is Part 2 in that ongoing series.

Recently I gave a workshop focused on dealing with “difficult people.”  One of the participants, Fred (names changed), a VP at a research company, introduced himself in such a low voice that I couldn’t hear his name.  I asked him to repeat himself and I still couldn’t catch his name.  He spoke so softly he reminded me of the YouTube personality, The French Whisperer.

Later, when I asked the group to consider what makes them individually difficult to other people, Fred admitted that people find him difficult because he’s a low talker.  Well, if you know that the volume of your voice makes it difficult for people to engage with you, why keep speaking at that same low volume?  Or at the very least, why aren’t you making YouTube videos?!

Fred is interesting only insofar as he’s difficult in so puzzling a way.

And what does all of this have to do with How To Talk To Anyone?  In last week’s session I asked the participants, “Who do you enjoy talking with?”  Folks quickly responded with some version of, “I enjoy talking with interesting people.”

When I then asked what makes someone “interesting” they offered a variety of answers including: well-traveled, educated, athletic, musical, artistic, etc.  I gently pointed out that while those traits and abilities have the potential for making someone interesting, I’ve met MANY well-educated, traveled, talented people who I found boring and/or obnoxious.  They simply laughed – in agreement.

Sure, we all enjoy talking with people whose life experiences are different from our own BUT what really makes someone interesting – for all the right reasons?

Here’s what makes someone interesting to me –

confidence + healthy self-esteem + competency + a keen interest in the “other”

A confidently competent person is of little value if they are not genuinely interested in the person(s) they are dealing with.  Simply put, an interesting person knows how to make the other person feel recognized and valued.

When I asked the participants if they considered their own self to be “interesting” most said “NO” or at best only half-heartedly thought they were interesting.  Jacob said he thought he wasn’t “enough” and so wasn’t interesting.  He admitted that no one has ever directly accused him of being boring or of not being “enough” BUT he knows that he’s not enough.

So, true confession, there was a time when I thought I was boring and not enough.  I was heading off to college and didn’t know what to do in order to stop “being” boring.  Before I walked through the campus gates of Fordham, I decided to be bold in reaching out to people who scared me.  The people who scared me were the people who I thought were living life.

I joined the college radio station (WFUV) and I interviewed all sorts of writers and artistic types hoping they’d give me some glimpse into what it was like to live an interesting life.  The most interesting of these people was famed diarist Anais Nin.

With my trusty tape recorder in hand, I went to her Greenwich Village apartment.  I remember how gracious she was when she waved me into her living room.  She served tea and then, just as I had set up the recorder, she abruptly said, “Wait!”  She stood up, went over to phone jack and unplugged the phone.  She smiled and said, “I don’t want anyone to disturb us.”

I was thrilled.  I was honored.  I was humbled.  I was totally under her spell because I felt recognized.  I didn’t feel boring.  I felt enough.  And all these years later, I still cherish that memory.

Here’s the thing – was Anais interesting because she was a bi-coastal bigamist who had also been lovers with the great Henry Miller?  Sure.  And was Anais interesting because she made me feel “enough”?  Absolutely!

Anais gave me the gift that all interesting people give – she gave me her attention.  The origin of “attention” is in the Latin word “attendere” – to reach toward.  And that is what all interesting people do – they reach toward the other person by sharing stories and insights and knowledge and inviting them to do the same.

The truth of the truth is –

you can’t talk to anyone unless you’re willing to be interesting.

I ended last week’s session as I will end this posting – with two odd questions:

What is the best compliment anyone has ever given you?

What is the best compliment you have ever given anyone?

I ask these questions because each one of us has a deep-seated need to be recognized and an interesting person, with extravagant generosity, practices this.

So, try this. . .

This week, be bold in your compliments to friend and stranger alike.  I think you’ll be surprised what “interesting” things happen!

How To Talk To Any One

Recently, my brother, Peter, was in town for business and we made plans to get together for dinner.  He asked if Rod, an associate of his, could tag along.  Since Peter doesn’t know boring people, I said, “sure!”

That night Peter showed up alone.  Seems Rod was nervous that we wouldn’t have anything to talk about and so decided to set out on his own.  I’ll admit – I was stunned.  How could three world-traveled grown men not have “stuff” to talk about?!  Peter explained that Rod could be “shy” at times.

Currently, I’m teaching a six-week workshop at UCLA Extension titled, How To Talk To Anybody.  The workshop is aimed at people who want to figure out how to talk tactfully, intelligently and spontaneously in a variety of situations and with a broad range of people.

The workshop is wildly diverse in terms of age, life and professional experience.  While each participant has their own particular issues and goals, each wants to become more comfortable while engaging with others.  And so my task is to help them reach that place of ease and sociability. 

As the workshop unfolds over the next six weeks I’m going to post progress reports here as well as updates on what I’m doing to help the participants find their own individual voice.

In prep for the first session, I headed off to a fav café and over a latte jotted down what I know for sure about talking with people.  Here are my Top 15 life-learned truths about talking with people – any people – of any age, type, position or description.

1.     Generational differences don’t matter when having a good conversation.  Lively talk is lively talk.

2.     Observe the other person and their surroundings – and ask questions based on those observations of what you see and don’t see.  

3.     Remain open to being non-defensively challenged from anyone’s odd or probing questions.

4.     A compliment can go a long way in creating a relaxed climate.

5.     I need to be present in a conversation – I can’t leave the work of a conversation up to the other person because then I could be taken conversationally hostage.

6.     I must have some kind of animation and know how to modulate it to the other’s personality.

7.     I shouldn’t expect people to fully understand what they’re saying – heck, far too often I don’t understand what I’m saying.

8.     Most people want to present themselves in the best possible way, though their tactics may not always be the best and so I need to be on the look-out for that best.

9.     I will not always understand the other person’s p.o.v. and that’s when curiosity expressed as a “why?” can illuminate.

10.  I am biased – some people I click with more readily than with others.  I may not always like the other person, but that doesn’t diminish the potential for productive conversation.

11.  I am guarded and have a residual, knee-jerk lack of trust – so I need to recognize this instinct and recognize that everyone else has a particular instinct that helps or hinders them.

12.  With some conversations the stakes are just not that high – and I don’t care about the outcome – and that’s okay.

13.  I have had many conversations with generous people and so I have an obligation to be for others what those generous people were for me.

14.  Everyone has the capacity to surprise me – because everybody has a story and IS a story.

15.  You never know what a conversation will lead to – friendship, love, employment, or just a hangover!

The Power Of A Simple Word

Much of my work, whether it be giving a workshop or coaching someone, centers on helping people become smarter in their communication strategy.  And becoming smarter is really all about becoming more emotionally intelligent.

While this exquisite poem is something of a meditation, it does shine a light on a simple word that is part of the core vocabulary of every healthy communicator. . .

The Word That Is a Prayer

By ELLERY AKERS

One thing you know when you say it:

all over the earth people are saying it with you;

a child blurting it out as the seizures take her,

a woman reciting it on a cot in a hospital.

What if you take a cab through the Tenderloin:

at a street light, a man in a wool cap,

yarn unraveling across his face, knocks at the window;

he says, Please.

By the time you hear what he’s saying,

the light changes, the cab pulls away,

and you don’t go back, though you know

someone just prayed to you the way you pray.

Please: a word so short

it could get lost in the air

as it floats up to God like the feather it is,

knocking and knocking, and finally

falling back to earth as rain,

as pellets of ice, soaking a black branch,

collecting in drains, leaching into the ground,

and you walk in that weather every day.