How Powerful Are Your Lies?

I recently received an email from Ida (name changed).  She’d heard me speak at a luncheon as was hoping I might be able to help her because she hasn’t dated in ten years!  Here’s a slice of what she wrote:

 “I dated a guy for four years during college.  We dreamed of getting married and growing old together.  There was just one problem: Communication! He could never understand me.  I’d try to communicate how I was feeling but it never ended well.  It left me feeling inept and him frustrated. His family loved me, my family loved him, we had the same morals, the same religion, and the same aspirations in life, but in the end we just fought too much.  It would take us days to resolve a fight because we wouldn’t be able to see eye to eye.  I haven’t date anyone for ten years because I honestly thought that if it didn’t work out with him it wouldn’t work out with anyone.” 

I’m not a dating coach, but I think I can help Ida – at least help her see her situation from a new perspective. 

Relationship is ALL about communication.  The quality of our life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in our life.  I’m not able (at this point) to analyze where and how the communication broke down in her relationship BUT I can pinpoint where the communication broke down in terms of how she communicated with her own self.

Ida decided that because her relationship with her college beau didn’t work out, then, she had no chance with any other man on the face of the earth!  This arbitrary decision was based on a sampling of just one man!  She convinced herself it was true and because she believed it to be true, she cut herself off from the possibility of romantic love.  For ten years she allowed herself to be constrained by a lie.

If she wants to date again, then she can.  The only thing holding her back is the lie she bought into ten years ago.  But here’s the thing – most of us, at one time or another in our lives, buy into a self-imposed lie that ends up sabotaging us.

I have to be “perfect” for people to appreciate me; I have to have everyone “love” me in order to be worthwhile, etc., etc.

Are you feeling constrained, trapped, or demotivated?  Chances are it’s because you’re believing a lie that you’ve convinced yourself is true.  Put the spotlight on the lie, bravely expose it for the nonsense it is and then do something that gives you life and doesn’t keep you locked away.

Oh, and Ida’s joining Match.com this week!

When Opportunity Bumps Into You

Last week I spoke to the juniors at New Community Jewish H.S. on “how to prepare for college.”  While I presume most of you have put your college years behind you, I think the advice I offered the juniors might still be helpful.  Here’s the gist of what I told them:

When I was seven I landed in the hospital for four months with a heart ailment.  The day after I returned home, an elderly neighbor dropped off two shopping bags filled with National Geographic magazines.  Soon I was devouring the stash, dreaming of a day when I’d have my own exotic adventure.

That opportunity came when I was a senior at Fordham U.  Bill McGary, director of Xavier High School in Chuuk, Micronesia (island grouping 700 miles south of Guam) came to my service organization looking for volunteer teachers.  I had no idea where Chuuk was located.  I only knew it was in the South Pacific, home to many of my Nat. Geo. fantasies. 

Turns out, the three years I spent teaching at XHS were the happiest of my life.  They shaped me into the man I’ve become.

Life is funny – had I not gone to Fordham I wouldn’t have met Bill McGary and if I hadn’t met Bill I wouldn’t have gone to Chuuk and if I hadn’t gone to Chuuk, my life would have been the poorer for it.

But here’s the kicker – I hated Fordham U!  Yes, it’s a wonderful school, but I’d gone to Fordham Prep and so had already spent four years on the campus.  I wanted to get away from my overly protective parents, but they’d have none of it.  Fordham was the only school they were willing to pay for.

What I learned and re-learned in my life is that opportunity is everywhere – if only we have the eyes and ears and heart to recognize opportunity when it bumps into us.  I told the juniors that the best way to prepare for college is by learning how to recognize opportunity in unlikely places.  Isn’t that the best preparation for life?

In recent years my friend Ava (name changed) has developed an interest in wines.  Over Thanksgiving we went wine tasting in Los Olivos.  At one winery Ava shared with the woman serving us how she wished she had her job.  Turns out, the woman was in charge of staffing and she was looking for people to add to the roster.

While Ava isn’t going to be quitting her full time job, she is spending weekends working at the winery – and having an utter blast!

Opportunity – it’s everywhere.  Hidden – waiting – unexpected.

What about you – are you ready for when opportunity knocks you over the head?!

WATCH This Video - If You Want To Improve Your Speaking Skills!

WARNING: do NOT turn on the volume for this video!

Huh?

There are many aspects to being an engaging and effective presenter.  And many of those aspects concern the non-verbal, i.e. posture, movement, facial expression, and gestures.

If you’re interested in honing your presenting skills, I suggest you watch this short (5

minute) video – without sound.

Why?

I encourage you to focus on the presenter’s non-verbal and based on his non-verbal see if you can guess what he’s talking about.  THEN, go back and re-watch WITH sound.

I think you’ll be surprised – and amused – and will think about presenting with new insight.

And if you are interested in honing your presenting skills, then please email me and let’s set up a time to explore how I can help you go from “good” to WOW!

jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com

Top 10 Things I Learned In 2014

Last week I went to a “3 Kings” party, celebrating the 12^th Day of Christmas, the traditional feast of the Epiphany.  At one point I was in conversation with four people, all of whom lamented that they still haven’t acted on their New Year’s resolutions.  I’m convinced that in order to strategize for a new year we first need to figure out what we learned in the previous year.  Only then can we determine how to embark on a new year.

My cocktail mates were intrigued when I shared this – and they were stumped as no one could say what they had learned last year.  I was a bit of a hypocrite, though, because I hadn’t thought about what I learned in 2014.  In prep for this column I’ve been mulling over what I learned in these last twelve months.  And since I can barely recall what I did last week, it’s been a challenge!

Granted, it really doesn’t matter to anyone except me what I learned, but I’m sharing here my “Top 10 Things I Learned In 2014” in the hope that it spurs you on with your own list.

In putting this together I was reminded that, “all real learning is relearning.”  While there’s nothing here that I didn’t know already, there is a lot I had forgotten about.  Perhaps the same is true for you.

1.     People have an immense capacity to surprise – stereotyping based on title or first impression is both easy and dangerous. 

2.     Snobbery is truly ugly – and grating.

3.     I can be my own worst enemy.  Ugh!

4.     Often times what is most obvious is most difficult to see – life can be much simpler than we make it out to be.

5.     Love can be easily lost – even between two people whose love you “knew” would last a lifetime.

6.     Opportunity comes from many unexpected places – so long as you keep an open and expectant mind.

7.     Desire is a mysterious force – saying you want something is not the same as actually craving it.

8.     Few things in life are sweeter than spending time with people who have known you for more years than you care to admit to in public – because they are the witnesses to your life.  And nothing is more sacred than spending time with a child (and not checking your cell phone).

9.     Life is harsh and unfair – and the only way to honor those who died way too soon is to live with joyful courage.

10.  Everyone loves a good story – the sure and ready connector of us all.

What about you?  What did you “relearn” in 2014 and how will it help you live an energetic 2015?

A Resolution To Be "Startled" in 2015

My thirteen-year-old godson Finn’s new fav word is “startled” and I have to admit that I’m feeling startled now that 2015 is in full swing!

Newscasters, bloggers and anyone with an opinion are all offering their various “Top 10” lists, while motivational gurus are prepping us on how to plan for 2015.  And, yes, I’m feeling the pressure to join in.

I spent last week toying with my own “Top 10 Ways To Make 2015 The Best Year Ever!” but eventually realized I had my focus out of whack.  I couldn’t suggest ways to plan for 2015 until I’d made sense of my own 2014.

Here’s the thing – before you plan for the future, you have to make sense of the past.  There’s no point in making New Year’s resolutions until you acknowledge the good of the previous year.  To that end, I’ve asked myself five questions:

1.     What did I learn in 2014? 

2.     Who inspired me? 

3.     What gave me pleasure? 

4.     What or who surprised me? 

5.     What am I grateful for?

Staring at these questions, I felt stumped as I realized that during the past year I hadn’t stopped enough times to take stock of where I was or where I was going.  It was all rushrushrush. 

Eventually, I did answer those five questions and, for what it’s worth, here are my answers:

In 2014 I learned to ask for what I want.  I was inspired by a young man who was willing to hit rock bottom before allowing himself to find true love.  I realized with a newfound sense that I enjoy giving keynote talks, not because I like to hear myself speak, but rather, because of the great conversations that take place afterwards with interesting people.  I was surprised by how I made a new friend who has opened unusual doors for me.  And lastly, I’m most especially grateful to a client whose generosity taught me how to respect myself more than I’ve been doing.

While each of these answers – and the insights grounding them – will guide me as I strategize for a new year, the question I lingered over was #3.  Pleasure.  As an unforgiving perfectionist I tend not to “waste” time on pleasure.  Yes – that’s a difficult admission!

For me, one of the great gifts of 2014 was speaking in October at the Titleist Performance Institute’s World Golf Summit.  It was one of the most perfect days of my life – ever.  And as a perfectionist, I never say that about anything.

I speak to many different groups throughout any given year – from non-profits to Fortune 500.  So why was this different?  What made this day “perfect”? 

This time last year Ricardo, a friend of mine who is a sports manager, told me that I needed to speak at The Summit and that he’d introduce me to the organizers.  I was skeptical.  I’d never heard of The Summit and, besides, sure, I play golf, but what could I say to a ballroom of professionals?  Old insecurities flared-up.

Did speaking at The Summit become one of my 2014 New Year’s resolutions?   Not really.  Last year, though, I decided that I wanted to expand the speaking side of my business.  I’ve had great success in coaching people how to speak, yet, for all my own enjoyment of presenting, I’ve never strategically focused on that side of my business.

Why?  Because I’ve believed those insidious tapes in my head – that other people have better things to say than I do; that I wouldn’t meet my perfectionistic standards; and that in some perverse way, I didn’t deserve an opportunity.  All lies that I willingly bought into.

Last year, though, I reached a place in my life where in my gut I knew it was inherently wrong for me not to pursue my long held love of speaking.  I knew that I needed to expand my speaking engagements because if I didn’t, I’d be disrespecting a core part of who I am.  Yet, despite my gut, I almost didn’t let Ricardo introduce me to the organizers––what’s the use?! Was my go-to mantra.

“The Art Of Coaching” was the theme of the conference and I was presenting on “How To Create Trust” in the coaching experience.  When I was seven years old I was hospitalized for four months with a heart condition that later prevented me from playing sports.  Although I outgrew the condition and have led a healthy, physical life, sports remains an arena where I feel unsure of myself.  And I never like feeling unsure.

I worried about this presentation more than I normally would – convinced that I had snagged an invite to speak through some kind of subterfuge.

But when I checked into the hotel something happened.  I walked into my room, plopped on the bed and simply decided I didn’t want to worry any more.  I decided that what I knew about “trust” was worth 45-minutes of a person’s time; that the “I’m a fraud” slogan had long out-served its usefulness; and that to worry would be disrespectful to me and to what I wanted to share in my talk. 

The half-sized ballroom was filled beyond what I had anticipated.  And while those old fears made one last attempt to choke my confidence, something again happened as I began my talk.  I didn’t feel like a fraud.  I felt connected, as a professional, to fellow professionals,  with all of us putting a premium on “trust.”

I spoke without the aid of PowerPoint and at one point, while walking up the main aisle, telling an outrageous story of how I learned from my mother not to trust people, with the ballroom laughing at every right place, I became aware that I was enjoying my time with these people.  I let myself relish the pleasure and didn’t try to suppress it as I normally would because, hey, pleasure and business don’t mix in the world of a perfectionist.

Later that night there was a get-together at a nearby bistro for all the presenters.  I met folks from the world of golf and sports who came to The Summit from far-flung corners of the world.  Laughter and conversation flowed even more freely than the beer. And so camaraderie took hold.  We were presenters – storytellers – people with unique perspectives who relished the pleasure that comes from genuine talk.

No one accused me of being a fraud – not even myself.  And, yeah, I was startled.  I was startled by the sheer pleasure of it all. 

The core truth of core truths is that once you see something, it’s hard to “un-see” it.

I’ve never made a resolution based in pleasure, but there is a first time for everything.

I resolve in 2015 to have more “Titleist moments” because that experience of pleasure allowed me to remember that life is worthy of my best.  And why would it be worthy of anything less?

So, what about you?  What are your answers to those five questions?  How can you give yourself a new-found respect and so offer life your best? 

Resolve in 2015 to do that which you’ve forbidden yourself to do and whose time has come.  Go ahead and let yourself be startled!

New Year's – Fresh Start or Fresh Continuation?!

I went to get my hair cut over the weekend and Jeff, the barber, greeted me with a grimace when I wished him a “Happy New Year!”  He grumbled, “I hate New Year’s – nothing but the same old–same old.  Nothing ever changes.”

I’ve been thinking about his annoyance with the whole New Year’s “thing.”  In truth, I’ve never been a big resolutions kind of guy.  It’s always struck me as all so forced.  A year rushes to a distracted holiday end and then we’re supposed to start “fresh.”

It’s hard, though, to rev-up and be determined and hopeful.  Maybe the challenge rests with the emphasis we place on starting “new.”  I think Jeff was lamenting that New Year’s can too quickly devolve into Groundhog’s Day – we make resolutions, we break resolutions, we beat ourselves up and then we settle back into the way things were.  Nothing changes.

Maybe New Year’s should be less about “starting” and more about “continuing” the good, healthy, fruitful projects and habits we engaged in as the previous year drew to a close.

Before we resolve to “start” we need to determine what we want to resolve to “continue.”  Once we commit to continue doing the good that gave us satisfaction, we can confidently commit to building on that good behavior, taking on new habits and practices.

Alice (name changed) is president of a mid-sized manufacturing company.  Although she believes in her management team, she’s developed the habit of berating them in front of clients and colleagues.  The focus of my coaching has been to help her develop ways of treating her team with respect.  To her credit she made significant strides in the final quarter of last year.

In our session last week, she said that her New Year’s resolution is to not yell.  Although commendable, I suggested she resolve to “continue” to engage her team as adults and not misbehaving kids.

Is this just a word game?  I don’t think so.  I want her to focus on continuing to engage her team in ways that don’t come readily to her.  Strong continuation and not simply a short-lived effort – this is how change takes hold and evolves.

This means, though, that you have to lay claim to the good you were doing in 2014 and you have to believe in the worth of those good habits and practices.  Find the good – commit to continuing that good in ways different and new. 

Consider these questions:

1.     In 2014 what did you do that made you feel proud? 

2.     In 2014 where did you find deep satisfaction?

What would happen if you continued doing in 2015 all of what made you proud and satisfied in 2014? 

A fabulous 2015!