How To Make The "Right" Impression

I was at a Starbucks jotting down ideas for this column when I overheard a weathered old man ask a pre-occupied woman, “do you know how to catch a polar bear?”  Before she could answer, he proceeded to tell her!  Life can be delightfully random at a Starbucks.  Life, though, is seldom random at a business meeting where people are wonderfully consistent. 

Last week I sat in on a product development meeting with my new client, Winnie.  She’s fun, articulate and insightful – though at this meeting she seemed to shrink before my eyes.   She was lead on the project, had done her prep and, yet, she was soft-spoken, allowed herself to be interrupted and contradicted, smiled in a humble manner and lacked the energy needed to propel her ideas around the table. 

Later, during our debrief to determine what had happened, she offhandedly mentioned that her father always told her, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”  I’m not brazen enough to contradict The Beatitudes, but I do know that “the meek” don’t get heard at a conference table in 2014!

We often think that “what” we say is more important than “how” we say it.  The truth is just the opposite.  In any given conversation a full 80% of what we pay attention to is the non-verbal – body language, facial expressions, tone of voice.  Only 20% of what we pay attention to is the actual content of what’s said.

What this means is that our body has to match our words and our words have to match our body.  When confused, people will “listen” to our bodies and not our words.

Enthusiasm and conviction have to be embodied so as to create an impression that assures people you know your stuff, you’re competent – in short, that you’re trustworthy.

We bemoan the b.s. artist who advances through the company’s ranks but often, the flim-flam artist gets ahead because he or she is good at creating the “right” image.

I’m not encouraging you to lie or to be someone you’re not.  I am, though, encouraging you not to shrink from who you can be.  If you believe you’re offering value then you need to fully express that value – with your words and your non-verbal.

On October 19^th I’ll be offering a workshop, along with my actor friend, Stacy Edwards, on “Acting Techniques For Business Professionals” over at the “Keep It Real” Acting Studio here in Toluca Lake.  The workshop will help you become: quick thinking on your feet, strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you, creative in managing difficult behavior, confident when making a presentation.

If you’d like more info, please email me.  There are three spots left!

The Power Of "Not Wanting"

Last week I met with two clients who were as different as night and day, though each shared a similar fear.

Leslie is a new referral who’s been out of work for five years.  Her expertise is a niche that was hit hard in the recession.  There are other issues, though, chief among them being her obsession with perfection.

A few years ago her goal had been to become a CPA.  She signed-up for classes and got a steady stream of “C’s”.   Since nothing less than an “A” would suit her, she labeled herself a failure and quit.  She says she still wants to become a CPA but is paralyzed with fear – of “failure”.

Another client, Ella, had just received an exciting job offer – one she wasn’t sure she should take.  For the last five years, Ella’s been working in a comfortable job that hasn’t demanded much from her.  And that’s how she’s wanted it.  She burnt out running her own business and had wanted a job where she could replenish.  She found it, but now she’s afraid – can she take on this new job with all of its challenges?

I have no doubt she can – she’s successfully reinvented herself several times.  But she has the nagging fear, “what if I fail?” – and the even more nagging, “what if I succeed?”

Leslie, too, worries about success and admitted she doesn’t know what she’d do if she became a CPA.  I told her there’s only one way to find out! 

By the end of my session with Leslie, she had tears in her eyes, overwhelmed by it all.  By the end of my session with Ella, she had a big grin on her face, as she knew what she had to do.

Although I’m not a psychologist, I know that within each woman there are deep “issues” stirring.  I think, though, each was wrestling not only with what she wanted BUT also with what she did not want.

Ella reached a place in her life where she no longer wanted to sleepwalk through a job.  That feeling of “not wanting” gave her strength to push aside fear and claim what she did want.

Leslie is at a place where she doesn’t want to let go of her need to be perfect.  To believe that she could live a satisfying life imperfectly, is too frightening a proposition.  She doesn’t want to let go of the image of how she should be and so she’s stuck.

Growing-up we’re often asked, “What do you want to be?”  Maybe, though, the real question is, “What do you not want to be?”  Answer that question and you’ll have the strength to choose your life with courage.

What I Learned This Summer

This past week I finished teaching an eleven-week course at UCLA Extension on “The Dynamics Of Interpersonal Communication.”  It was a remarkable experience for many reasons – and since I haven’t received the class evaluations, I’m presuming that my students also enjoyed the course!

There were twenty-six participants, only four of whom were from the U.S.  They ranged in age from early twenties to late fifties.  They came from Tunisia, Morocco, Romania, Italy, Sweden, Denmark, South Korea, France, India, China, Japan, Indonesia, Philippines and Mexico.  For some, English was their third language.

On the first night, the room was quiet before start of class as each person was focused on their smart phone or tablet, ignoring the person just a desk away.  On the last night of class, the room was a chatter fest, as though these folks had known each other since pre-school.

What accounts for the radical change?  They learned how to have and enjoy a conversation.  Simple as that!

I’m convinced that real learning takes place in a relaxed atmosphere conducive for conversation.  And so each week I’d give them ample opportunities to talk – in pairs and in small groupings.  I’d give them questions that sprung from exercises we’d do related to that night’s focus.  Not role-play – just conversation in which they had the opportunity to talk from their perspective.

In the talking, they surprised each other.  Most came to the course wanting to learn how to be confident when dealing with the stranger, especially in challenging, difficult situations.  While I taught about listening and emotional intelligence and conflict strategies, more than that I invited them to put down their phone and look at the person sitting next to them – not as a stranger, BUT as a person who just might be worth getting to know.

By the last night of class, they figured out how to allow themselves to be surprised with a new way of understanding others as well as their own self.

And what did they learn?  They learned that most people come from families that baffle them.  That most worry about “what will they think?”  That they’re not the only one uncomfortable speaking in public and that everyone longs to be more confident. Everyone resists change – even if they say they don’t. They learned that learning comes from doing. 

They learned the power of story – the power of conversation.  And so they could not help but learn that each person, no matter where they’re from, loves someone, is afraid of something and has lost someone or some thing precious.

They learned, to quote motivational guru Rene Brown, “If I get to be myself, I belong.  If I have to be like you, I fit in.”

Announcing: Acting Workshop For Business Professionals!

Okay, so the photo has nothing to do with this post – BUT, 

now that I have your attention. . .

ANNOUNCING NEW

1 Day WORKSHOP

Sunday, October 19th

“Acting Techniques For Business Professionals”

Effective communication is not only about what you say, it’s about how you say it. 

80% of what people respond to is the non-verbal dimensions of how you’re communicating – posture, facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, inflection.

I often tell my workshop participants that they next need to take an acting class.  So now I’m teaming up with Stacy Edwards, an award-winning actor and acting coach, to present an intense 6 hour workshop that will push your comfort zone (that’s a promise!) as you learn techniques to demonstrate the kind of confidence that’s needed when dealing with difficult colleagues and clients, when presenting new ideas and projects, or when leading a team through grueling deadlines.

You will become MORE:

·      Quick thinking on your feet

·      Accurate when reading non-verbal signals

·      At ease with people different from you

·      Strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you

·      Aware of the emotions underlying stressful situations

·      Creative in managing difficult behavior

·      Confident when making a presentation

·      Non-verbally assertive

·      Relaxed, expressive and open as you go about your business

Because you’re already good at what you do, this workshop can help you break through to the next point of confidence so you can present more clearly the best of who you are at work and in your personal life.

DETAILS

LIMITED TO JUST 10 PARTICIPANTS

DATE:  Sunday, October 19th

TIME:     9:00pm – 4:00pm

LOCATION:     4444 Lankershim Blvd, Toluca Lake, CA 91602 

(corner of Riverside Dr. and Lankershim Blvd.)

COST:  $125  (check or Paypal)

TO REGISTER or if you have questions?  Email me at:  jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com  OR, hey, give me a call at: 818-415-8115

This is going to be a dynamic, fun, skill-sharpening experience and I’m excited to be co-offering this with Stacy Edwards

Stacy Edwards started her acting career in Chicago theater.  She went on to star in Neil Labute's controversial movie, “In The Company of Men”, a role for which she earned her first Spirit Award nomination and for which she received the “best actress” award at Italy’s International Taomina film festival.  Stacy has worked with some of Hollywood’s most respected directors, including Mike Nichols (Primary Colors), Greg Mattola (Superbad) and Sofia Coppola (Bling Ring).  As a series regular, she played Dr Lisa Catera on “Chicago Hope” and has guest-starred on many of TV’s hit dramas including CSI, The Mentalist, Grey's Anatomy and Hawaii Five-O.  In addition, Stacy conducts workshops for actors based on the Meisner Technique as well as offers private coaching.

The Power Of A Name

I don’t know my paternal grandfather’s first name.  His birth certificate says, “John”, but his baptismal certificate says, “James” while his death certificate says, “Joseph.”  He was thirty-three when he died and my father, his son, was just seven.  Oddly, my father never could recall his father’s name and nor could my grandmother, even though she’d been married to the man! 

The “JP” of my name stands for “Joseph Patrick.”  I’m named after my father, but my mother hated both names.  He insisted, though, that I be named after him.  However, he never called me “JP.”  Instead, he called me “Bobby.”  Lambs were painted on my crib and because a lamb goes “bah-bah,” he called me “BaBa” when I was growing up.  In high school, he slurred it into “Bobby.”   

I come from a family that doesn’t have strong loyalty to names!  Yet, there is power to a name.

Recently, Roxanne, a new client, came to me distraught – she’s been out of work for several years and feels hopeless.  She said, “I don’t know any more who I am.  I’ve lost my dream and I don’t know how to get it back.”

I asked her to tell me who she had been before she lost her job.  Agitated, she said that she couldn’t remember.  And then, she poignantly muttered, “I don’t know if I really ever had a sense of ‘me’.”  She went on to say, “I’m a loser.”

I’m coaching Ron, another client, in public speaking.  He’s intelligent, accomplished, respected and valued as a professional resource by his peers.  He downplays that reality by maintaining, “I am a fraud.”  When he speaks, he talks fast because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of people’s attention.  He’s afraid that people will see him for the imposter that he believes he is. 

I think it’s easy for a person to lose sight of who they are – of who they once wanted to be – and of who they could become.

The TV private eye Remington Steele famously claimed, “I am who I believe myself to be.”  Whether you’re a fictional character or a real person, I think that belief influences just about everything in a person’s life!

Roxanne believes she’s a “loser” and Ron thinks he’s a “fraud.”  I know, though, that she’s not a loser and he’s not a fraud.  Yet, they insist on labeling themselves with names that don’t accurately reflect the reality of who they are. 

Motivational guru Brian Tracy urges people to, “Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true.”  What do you say about yourself?  

Who do you believe yourself to be?  Is it a belief that gives you life or that sabotages your life?