Thursday, May 22, 2014

Lessons Learned From a 13-Year-Old


Funny what we remember.  I was a high school freshman visiting my grandmother.  She hugged me and whispered, “You’ll never know how much I love you.”  I wriggled free, mumbled that I loved her and then asked if I could borrow $20.00!  I recently recalled that moment when I realized that on May 29th my “buddy” Finn turns thirteen.

I’ve had many unexpected things happen in my life but Finn could very well be the most unexpected.  One night his dad called in desperate need of a babysitter and I agreed.  I had a blast and soon became Finn’s official babysitter.  Finn is one of the best things to ever happen to me – for so many reasons.

He’s taught me to be observant.  Seriously, I’ve never known anyone who’s found more money on the street than he has!  And then there were the times we’d go to a parrot shop and he’d be perfectly still while watching a bird.  The parrot and Finn would size each other up and I was convinced they were telepathically communicating with each other.

To look.  To see.  To pay attention to the ordinary – because there you will find the extra-ordinary.

He’s taught me to take risks.  Yes, sometimes he’d fall, hit his head and shed some tears.  But then he’d race off to another adventure.  He reminds me that hitting your head is part of taking a risk; it’s not a reason to stop taking risks and exploring.

Although I teach and coach, I’m not someone who likes to answer questions.  I prefer to ask the questions!  With Finn, his questions – about so many things – force me to think in ways I’m not accustomed.  He’s taught me that the word “because” is not a real answer.

I’m something of a snob.  I prefer to hang out with people who are creative and can turn what is routine into something different.  Children have that wonderful ability and time spent with Finn has never been routine.  He’s shown me that even a trip to Gelson’s can become an adventure.

I work with professionals who are wonderfully competent at what they do, yet, over time, they’ve grown creatively constipated, slow to laugh, and woefully un-curious.  As odd as it may sound, I think I’m able to help these folks, in part, because of Finn.  He reminds me that the secrets to leading a successful life are learned early in life.

Because I’ve taught high school I know that the teen years are an adventure unlike any other.  OMG!  And so my birthday wish for Finn is that he’ll continue to learn by encountering life head-on, with a full embrace. And, actually, that’s my wish for all my clients.

Friday, May 16, 2014

How "Real" Is Your World?


I received an email from Gwen, a former client, whose husband is battling cancer: “Chris is doing as well as can be expected –Cancer sucks. We’ve been maneuvering our way through the subculture of the very sick and we’re doing okay.  It’s interesting how many subcultures exist in the world and go unseen until circumstances just plop a person right in the middle of a new world.”

I was struck by Gwen’s observation on the “sub-cultures” we’re unaware of.  I actually think there really is no such thing as “the” real world.  Whatever world you’re in is the “real” world for you. The trick is to be able to navigate with ease and success through several different “real” worlds.

I learned this from my college mentor, Marguerite Young who wrote, “Miss MacIntosh, My Darling”, (fifth longest novel written in English).  I met her when she was recuperating from cancer surgery.  In our first conversation, she told me that she never wore the same clothes twice.  She decided that if she masterfully disguised herself then maybe Death wouldn’t recognize her.  For a boy who had grown up in a sheltered, Irish Catholic family, this was a head-spinning concept! 

Marguerite taught me not only to not be afraid of people different from me, she taught me to actively seek out people different from me.  I was inspired by her advice years later when I taught a public speaking class at LMU.

For one assignment, I divided the class into groups of four.  Each group had to share a meal and the catch was that they had to prepare the meal as a group – they couldn’t go to a restaurant or order out.  They had to spend two hours together and couldn’t have any electronic distractions, i.e. no cell phone, TV, radio, etc.  Also, everyone had to tell a true story about themselves.

Most students were annoyed, whining that they didn’t have time to eat with a bunch of strangers and besides, what did eating have to do with speaking in public?

When the groups shared their experiences, though, the overwhelming majority couldn’t believe how eye-opening the meal had been.  Through conversation, strangers realized that they had more in common than they thought.  “Sub-cultures” had been shared and through the sharing people seemed less “strange.”  Because people were no longer strangers, students felt more comfortable speaking. 

Next month I’m offering a workshop on “Acting Techniques For Business Professionals.”  A weekly assignment will require participants to speak to someone at work they don’t know well and learn what they can about the person.

The truth is – our world is only as narrow as we make it.   How many “real” worlds are you a part of?!

Thursday, May 08, 2014

NEW WORKSHOP! "Acting Techniques For Business Professionals"

ANNOUNCING NEW 4 WEEK WORKSHOP

“Acting Techniques For Business Professionals”


Effective communication is not only about what you say, it’s about how you say it. 

80% of what people respond to is the non-verbal dimensions of how you’re communicating – posture, facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, inflection.

I often tell my workshop participants that they next need to take an acting class – even though I’ve never known of a class to recommend.

But now I do!

I’m teaming up with Stacy Edwards, an award-winning actor and acting coach, to present an intense 4 week workshop that will push your comfort zone (that’s a promise!) as you learn techniques to demonstrate the kind of confidence that’s needed when dealing with difficult colleagues and clients, when presenting new ideas and projects, or when leading a team through grueling deadlines.


You will become MORE:

·      Quick thinking on your feet
·      Accurate when reading non-verbal signals
·      At ease with people different from you
·      Strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you
·      Aware of the emotions underlying stressful situations
·      Creative in managing difficult behavior
·      Confident when making a presentation
·      Non-verbally assertive
·      Relaxed, expressive and open as you go about your business


Because you’re already good at what you do, this workshop can help you break through to the next point of confidence so you can present more clearly the best of who you are at work and in your personal life.



DETAILS

LIMITED TO JUST 10 PARTICIPANTS


DATES:  Mondays – June 2, 9, 16, 23

TIME:     7:00pm – 10:00pm

LOCATION:     4444 Lankershim Blvd, Toluca Lake, CA 91602 
(corner of Riverside Dr. and Lankershim Blvd.)

COST:  $350  (check or Paypal)


Questions?  Email me at:  jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com  OR, hey, give me a call at: 818-415-8115


This is going to be a dynamic, fun, skill-sharpening experience and I’m excited to be co-offering this with Stacy Edwards


Stacy Edwards started her acting career in Chicago theater.  She went on to star in Neil Labute's controversial, “In The Company of Men”, a role for which she earned her first Spirit Award nomination and for which she received the “best actress” award at Italy’s International Taomina film festival.  Stacy has worked with some of Hollywood’s most respected directors, including Mike Nichols (Primary Colors), Greg Mattola (Superbad) and Sofia Coppola (Bling Ring).  As a series regular, she played Dr Lisa Catera on “Chicago Hope” and has guest-starred on many of TV’s hit dramas including CSI, The Mentalist, Grey's Anatomy and Hawaii Five-O.  In addition, Stacy conducts workshops for actors based on the Meisner Technique as well as offer private coaching.

Why I Love Teaching



Freshman year of high school I discovered Robert Bolt’s enduring drama, “A Man For All Seasons.”  It’s the story of Sir Thomas More, Henry VIII’s Lord Chancellor who met his death when he refused to support Henry’s marriage to Anne Boleyn.  I was captivated by More’s story and while I can barely remember what I did last week, I vividly recall More’s words to Richard Rich.

As the play opens, Richard Rich, a young, venal man is pleading with More to give him a position that will bring with it a title, fine robes and money.  More, though, urges Rich to become a teacher.  Insulted, Rich demands to know, “if I was, who would know?”  More simply replies,“You, your students, your friends, God.  Not a bad public, that.”

More’s words lodged deep within my psyche and I think it’s because of Robert Bolt’s More that I have taught in one capacity or another for most of my life.  On May 11th my goddaughter Caitie graduates from LMU with a Masters of Education (summa cum laude).  In light of Caitie’s graduation I’ve been reflecting on why I love teaching – and why I hope she loves teaching as much as I have.

The British novelist Mary Ann Evans, better known as George Eliot, asked the exquisite question, “What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for others?”

While we all have an arsenal of stories of teachers who succeeded in making our lives “more,” not less, difficult, most of us also have at least one grateful memory of a teacher who not only made life less difficult, she or he made us realize that life is worthy of giving our best. 

I understand that in today’s society the act of teaching has been politicized and standardized and in some places even demonized.  But what Thomas More knew in 1535 is as true today – that real teaching is about living life from a place of joy.  

Teaching is not for the faint-of-heart.  But when done from the fearless place of your talents and limitations, you inevitably experience the joy of helping another person live – from a place of inquisitiveness, desire and courage.

I’m proud of Caitie, and even more, I’m in awe of Caitie.  She was always a bright, astute girl and growing-up she was always very much “Caitie,” (a simple euphemism for “rebellious”!)  Like you and me, Caitie has / is a story – a story that never ceases to surprise me.  But hers is a story that will allow her to grow into being a teacher grounded in integrity and joy.  And those who know her – students, friends and God – will be the better for her.

Hey, have you thanked a teacher lately?!

Thursday, May 01, 2014

How To "Like" Other People

My whole life changed when I decided not just what I’d like to do, but when I decided who I was committed to being and having in my life.
Tony Robbins

Last year Holly (name changed) took a workshop from me on “dealing with difficult people”.  At the end of the day she confided that the big take-away was that she is a difficult person – not her clients.  With remarkable candor she confessed that she doesn’t like people.  What made Holly’s revelation surprising is that she’s a psychotherapist in private practice.

She explained that she’s fine for the fifty-minutes insurance pays for, but it’s the few minutes prior and after the session that she dislikes.  She asked if I could teach her to “like” people.  Given that she’s a therapist, this was one of the oddest requests ever asked of me!  However, because of my own family story, it was easy for me to empathize with Holly as she tried to make sense of her impatience with and dislike of people.

Both my grandfathers were dead by the time I was born. My paternal grandmother, who was the great love of my childhood, was a prison guard for thirty-five years.  My maternal grandmother was such a miserable creature that not even her own cat would sit on her lap!  Neither grandmother had any friends. 

My parents were fun, funny people who had no friends because people were not to be trusted.  My brother and I weren’t even allowed to go trick-or-treating as my parents viewed it as a form of “begging.”

Although my parents and grandmothers didn’t have any friends, they all loved to sit on park benches or by a window and just watch people.  They enjoyed imagining what kind of lives people lived (most were deemed unhappy).

As a child I learned about people from a distance and from that distance I longed for the chance to like people.  Because I spent most of my childhood on a park bench, I could have grown up to become a hermit or a people-loathing therapist!  Instead, I traveled the world, embraced adventure, entered ministry, and became a teacher, coach and speaker.

I’m fascinated with people and, yet, in my communication coaching I’ve encountered scores of individuals like Holly who claim to not be interested in people. 

I wasn’t able to give Holly a tip-sheet on “6 Easy Steps To Liking People.”  While I could tell her why she should like people (success in life = the people you meet + what you create together – thank you Keith Ferrazzi), I couldn’t tell her how to like them. 

In our coaching sessions I worked to help Holly develop a curiosity for people since curiosity is at the heart of liking.  I gave her a list of questions that I hoped would serve as a “whack on the head” to help her clarify her feelings of dislike.  Here are my: Top Ten Questions To Generate Curiosity For People.  

1.     Why don’t you like people?  And since your first answer is just the superficial reason, what is the real reason?  Which is another way of asking, what are you afraid of? 
2.     What is the best conversation you ever had with a stranger?
3.     What makes a person boring for you?
4.     What makes you boring to people?
5.     Do you want people to like you? 
6.     Do you have anything to give to people that would benefit them?
7.     In what ways is your life richer for “excluding” people? (yes, trick question)
8.     Who was the kindest person to you?
9.     Who was the nastiest?
10. Who knew you the best – the kindest or the nastiest?

As a therapist, Holly was intrigued with my questions and as “Holly” she was resistant to them.  Through our coaching sessions, Holly realized that she didn’t like people because she thought they wouldn’t like her – the non-professional “Holly.”

In one telling, throwaway line, Holly mentioned that her mother used to tell her that she was “an uninteresting girl.”  Holly’s fear was that outside a professional setting, people wouldn’t find her interesting and because of that belief Holly pushes people away before they can push her away.

As Holly made her way through the questions, it became clear to both of us that she had an old-fashioned superiority complex and that’s why she erupted into condescending fits with people.  Fear made her a harsh judge and judging gave her safety.  But, it was a “safe” place that prevented her from being truly interested in people because if you believe you’re better than most everyone else why would you be interested in them? 

Sadly, in the end, Holly admitted she was content not liking people.  While this was a stunning admission for a therapist to make, as with many people, fear won out.  Although she was paid to hear people’s stories she was afraid to see her story in theirs and so see her worth. 

Here’s the thing – although I wasn’t able to tell Holly how she could like people, I can tell you that if you want to become more fully “you” then you have to want to know more about people. 

You have to stand with your shoes off in the presence of the whack-a-do mystery of other people.  You have to risk finding shards of your story in their story.  You have to become curious.  And when you become curious then you will find the boy on a park bench sitting alongside a not uninteresting girl.  It’s the only way you can ever really hope to “like” people.