Overcoming The "I Didn't Want To Say Anything" Syndrome

Last week I wrote about the challenge we face when we are afraid or unwilling to address an unpleasant situation.  Several of you wrote asking, “What should I do when it really is easier to just say nothing?” Some of you said that it’s not “nice” to hurt other people’s feelings and you don’t want to get others into trouble. 

My guiding rule is that you decide how to respond to unwelcome behavior based on three things: what is the context, who is involved and, most importantly, what is your goal?  You can’t strategically respond until you’ve answered all three questions.

You’ll recall that I gave the example of the manager of a local bistro who encroached on customers’ space and drove them away.  Because it was no biggie for me, I didn’t feel a need to confront him.  For other customers, it was an issue.  Rather than not saying anything to the owner, here’s what an unhappy customer could have said:

” Your manager is a nice guy and tries to give good service.  The only problem is he doesn’t seem to have a sense of boundaries and we find it annoying when he leans over and talks while we’re trying to eat or have our own conversation.  I don’t know if this is just my issue or if others have said something.  I hope you could have a chat with him.”

This is what being assertive looks like.  You’re not complaining or being rude.  You’re simply letting the other person know how you feel, why you feel that way and what you’d like from them.

The other example I gave was of a young woman manager who felt intimidated by her two older male colleagues.  She didn’t know how to handle them and so she resorted to gossiping and complaining.  These tactics didn’t give her confidence and they resolved nothing, because the person she unloaded on wasn’t in a position to help.

This manager has to figure out why she’s intimidated and then she go to HR – not to report or complain – and ask for help strategizing how she could overcome her uncomfortableness.

Being assertive comes down to this – do you believe you have the right to speak up, with the purpose of gaining clarity and having your needs met?  Do you think you have the right to be treated with respect?  Do you value the right to have feelings – and can you express your feelings appropriately without needing to harshly judge yourself? 

None of this is simple since most of us weren’t instructed as children in how to non-manipulatively express our needs.  So, yes, it can be awkward.  That’s okay – for what’s the alternative?  Suffering in silence?

The "I Didn't Want To Say Anything" Syndrome

I don’t like to cook and so I’m lucky that I’ve got a neighborhood bistro I enjoy.  The servers know my usual order and the food is way better than anything I could rustle up.

The place used to have a manager who I’ll call, “Louis”.  He treated customers as friends, but in an annoying kind of way.  He would stand too close to the table, lean in too closely when telling a “joke” and he talked incessantly, even after food arrived at the table.  He had no sense of boundaries and wouldn’t / couldn’t take a hint.

Oddly, no one complained and that includes me.  People simply stopped coming in (doesn’t include me).  Eventually, Ellen, the owner, figured “it” out and let Louis go.  Customers returned, but Ellen was puzzled.  Why hadn’t anyone said anything to her since she could have taken action sooner?

Maybe it’s because I’m from New York and am used to neighborhood “characters”, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to simply stop coming in because of Louis. Besides, I always brought a book and used it as a shield. 

So why did people not want to tell Ellen about Louis?  She asked returning regulars and some claimed they didn’t want to be responsible for him losing his job.  Seems it never occurred to them that if they stopped giving Ellen their business, she wouldn’t have money to pay his salary!

Other customers gave the vague reason that they “didn’t feel comfortable saying anything.”  It was easier to stay away from a place they enjoyed than complain.

Ya know, we can all be so odd!

What about you?  Is there something you’ve thought about telling someone and you’ve opted to just say nothing – and, instead have opted to talk about the situation with anyone and everyone other than the person who should hear what you’ve got to say?

I recently coached a team of four managers who work in the same department.  I asked them to suggest how communication could flow smoother among them.  Ideas ranged from replying faster to email to socializing after work so as to get to know each other better. 

The youngest of the group, a woman, said that they needed to have more direct lines of communication.  On the job less than six months, she’s already afraid to go directly to two of her colleagues as she finds them intimidating.  Instead, she goes to the remaining member of the team who usually can’t help her, but who lends a sympathetic ear!

Having a difficult conversation is never easy.  In my next post, I’ll offer tips and tricks on how to talk to someone when you’d do anything to avoid the conversation!

What "Best" Teachers Share In Common

This is a post I wrote for the Titleist Performance Institute and while it speaks directly to those who are golf instructors and coaches, the principles apply to any type of teaching and coaching.

Enjoy!

"During an interview on “Morning Drive,” Golf Digest senior writer Matthew Rudy explained how the magazine compiled its annual guide of the best teachers in the U.S.  He said that the teachers selected are “best” not simply because they have a keen understanding of the physics of a golf swing.  They’re “best” because in addition to their knowledge and skill they have the ability to inspire their players to believe that they can do better – that they can do it.

Who were your best teachers – in school and on the green?  What made them “best” for you?

I’ve been both a student and a teacher and I’m now convinced that genuine teachers do two things really well: they engage and they connect.  A true teacher engages with the facts and mechanics of the skill they’re teaching.  Because they’re engaged, they continually find ways to make their knowledge understandable.  In addition, a true teacher connects with students through trust.

Skill + engagement + trust = an outstanding teacher and coach.  All three are important in equal measure.  A teacher with technical know-how but who is unable to connect and inspire is simply an instruction manual, while a teacher who can motivate but who has an average skill-set is a well-intentioned cheerleader!

The criteria for assessing teachers’ know-how are more established than for assessing their ability to inspire.  Oftentimes it’s a case of “I’ll know it when I see it.”  But how is connection made?  How is trust established?

The surest way to connect with someone you’re teaching or coaching is. . ."

CONTINUE READING

"That's Just How I Am" = BS!

For the past month I’ve been consulting at a family-owned clothing company.  The president of the firm, Rachel, asked me to coach her supply manager, a woman who is loyal to the company, is willing to put in long hours and who has strong relationships with manufacturing plants in Mexico.  The one thing she doesn’t have is people skills.

Betsy (name changed) treats her team with barely a trace of respect – she yells, slams doors and habitually lies when it suits her. When I asked Rachel why she tolerated Betsy’s antics, she told me, “I need her.  I don’t want to go through a search for her replacement.”

Last week I laid it all out for Betsy.  She bristled and then declared, “Betsy is who Betsy is and there’s no changing her, do you know what I mean?”  Yeah, I did––she meant she has no intention of changing!  When I challenged her, she lamented, “I can’t change.  This is who I am.”

That wasn’t the first time someone has boasted to me that they “can’t” change.  However, please understand – that statement is simply not true.  It’s a lie!  We all have the ability to change. We all are responsible for how we present ourselves to other people and how we interact with them.

No one “just is.”

Which brings me to Ken.  He and his fiancée Alice (names changed) are getting married at the end of the year and are in the process of interviewing officiants.  Ken didn’t smile when we met and seemed uncomfortable when he sat down. 

Alice was friendly and engaged (no pun intended) as we talked.  Ken never looked at me, never offered an opinion and answered my questions in a low, mumbling tone.  Hey, there’s shy and then there’s creepy shy and Ken was creeping me out!

Something seemed “off” and finally I asked him directly if he was happy getting married.  His head shot back, he nervously smiled and said “of course!”  I asked if anything was wrong, as he seemed unhappy or troubled.  Alice gently smiled and explained, “Ken is reserved; that’s just how he is.” 

Once again, there’s that phrase, “just is.”  Here’s the thing – if you need your fiancée to explain that you’re reserved, then you’re more than “reserved”! 

Just because a person is reserved doesn’t mean they have to present themselves in a rude, weird manner.  Just because someone is loud and impatient, doesn’t mean they have to intimidate team members by screaming, slamming and shutting down.

“Just is” is never an excuse for feeble, off-putting behavior!  You don’t have to “just” be an a*hole.  You can “just” be someone who strives to be a more dynamically alive person!