Friday, July 26, 2013

A Lesson From A Framed Stolen Menu



I steal menus.  I’ve been stealing them for years––ever since restaurants stopped giving away matchbooks.  I don’t steal from every restaurant––just the special ones, the ones that have a story.  My most cherished menu is from Windows On The World, the lounge that was atop the World Trade Center.  I’ve another from the Plaza Hotel’s Palm Court where I took my goddaughter Clare and her mother for high tea.  Clare was just six months old and I wanted to be the first man to take her to The Plaza.  And there’s the menu from London’s Savoy Hotel where I took my friend Anthony to celebrate his premiere at the Barbican Theater. 

My menu collection, my collection of short stories really, is displayed on the walls of my dining room and, as with every great story, serves as a wonderful conversation opener!

I have my menus framed at The Canvas Peddler over in North Hollywood where Pam has helped me for years.  She manages to turn each menu into a work of art.

My niece Mary graduated in May from the U. of Colorado, Boulder.  She took us to her favorite breakfast joint, “Snooze,” and, of course, I stole a stained menu.  Well, Mary’s now moving into her first apartment back in NYC and as a housewarming gift I decided to have the menu framed. 

I went last week to see Pam only to find out that she’s on vacation.  Marybeth offered to help me.  I recognized her from all my years of going to The Canvas Peddler but presumed she wouldn’t know me.  However, as soon as I mentioned the menu, she exclaimed, “I know you!” and proceeded to reassure me by calling me by my name before I could introduce myself and by listing off what I do.

I was blown away.  Yes, we chatted over the years when Pam helped me but I’m not so frequent a customer that I’d expect her to remember me.  Marybeth just laughed at my amazement saying, “Well that’s the beautiful thing of a being a loyal customer.”

Yes, that’s true but even more I think that Marybeth remembering my name and my collection of menus speaks to her character.  It also speaks to the care she and Pam offer to their customers.  To the quality of their interest in the people who come to them with their “treasures.”

The legendary Dale Carnegie said that the sweetest sound is the sound of one’s name.  I don’t think I ever realized that until Marybeth said my name.

Once again I’m reminded of the most core of core truths – all of business is about relationships! 

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Strategy - The Key To Successful Communicating



On the final night of my UCLA class last quarter, Brad told me that he looked forward to every class and had learned a lot.  Then he smiled and said these immortal words: “I still don’t see why I have to change just to please people, so I’m not going to.”

Sadly, Brad didn’t understand that I’m not interested in showing folks how to become “people pleasers.”  Rather, my over-arching goal is to show people how to become smart and strategic communicators.

Strategy.  That’s the key word.

The reason why we communicate is get our needs met and so no one way of communicating fits all scenarios.  If you talk the same way to every person you deal with, then you’re reducing your chances for getting heard and understood.

A friend of mine who is a priest likes to tell the story of his first funeral which was for an elderly parishioner.  Since he’d never presided at a funeral, he was nervous when he went to the funeral home for the viewing.

The funeral director informed him that the deceased was survived by three adult daughters.  When my friend entered the viewing room he immediately went over to one of the daughters, extended his hand, and in a sincere tone of voice said, “I’m sorry for your loss; I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”  The woman smiled and with a wave of her hand said, “That’s okay; he was a mean s.o.b. and we’re all happy to see him go!”

My friend had gone to the viewing on autopilot and said what he thought he was supposed to say.  He didn’t strategize.  He presumed that the daughters needed sympathy and comfort.  But they didn’t.  My friend first should have asked the funeral director about the “emotional temperature” in the room, so as to gauge his words and demeanor.

Just because a certain context calls for a presumed emotion, that doesn’t mean the person(s) involved is going to be feeling that specific way. 

All good communication is about strategizing, which means it’s important to consider these three questions:  Who’s involved?  What’s the context?  What’s my goal?  Answer these questions and you can then strategize how you’re going to approach someone.

This is true in our personal lives and equally true in business where the stakes are high.

Therefore, your primary goal isn’t to please people.  Rather, it’s to create a mutually satisfying relationship.  And that’s done by figuring out how to communicate with the other person in a way that makes it as easy as possible for her or him to hear and understand you.

Only then can your goals have the chance to be mutually satisfied.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Practice Makes - Better!



People often ask me what they need to do in order to become a more effective communicator.  I think what every person has to do is consciously and determinedly practice doing something differently.  The following are reflections from two clients (names changed) that give you a sense of what can happen through focus and determination.


1. Tracey.  The communication skill I have been working on deals with ‘perception checking.’  One thing that has really stuck with me is the notion that bullies want you to feel intimidated. I’ve been working to stop myself from getting intimidated when attacked at work. In the past, when my boss would start talking over or interrupting me, I would wait until he was done and restart what I was saying. (I was raised in a household where it was very rude to interrupt.) Now, I keep talking. I stand my ground. He doesn’t always hear me right away, but he interrupts and talks over me much less.”

“I also have been asking myself why my boss acts the way he does. For example, last week when he threatened the loss of jobs if results didn’t improve, I asked myself, “What is his goal with this conversation?” From my perspective, I felt like he was being a bully. After doing perception checking, I thought he might be trying to motivate us. I responded by saying that when people threaten my job, it does the exact opposite of motivating me. Instead of just getting angry that he was attacking the team, I was able to voice my feelings and affect how he will try to motivate us in the future. Once he realized that his tactic, rather than the message (results need to improve) was the issue, he changed.”

2. Roland.  I’ve started to practice better listening in my 1-on-1 conversations with: my Boss, my Direct Reports and my wife.  I’m a very impatient person and get annoyed quickly; as a result I react without thinking things through.  Often times this gets me in trouble.  I realize that if I could be more patient and listen to what the other person is saying I wouldn’t react in such a negative way.”

“I’m consciously forcing myself to be more ‘passive’ in sessions and go prepared to more intently listen and take notes during or right after meetings. I use the notes for my follow-up communication, especially in email.  This helps me pay more attention to things that I would generally ignore.  My wife has noticed the difference!”

“This technique is definitely making me effective in my communication with my direct reports as it’s helped me increase their trust level.”

Want to change?  Practice doing something differently––tenaciously!

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Great Skill Of "Perception Checking"



When not offering communication training, I officiate wedding ceremonies.  Last week I met with Bella (photo not of Bella), so as to finalize the ceremony for her wedding later this month.  When I asked if she still had six bridesmaids, she told me she’s down to five. Seems one of them didn’t make the bridal shower and didn’t tell her beforehand. Since this wasn’t the first time the bridesmaid flaked on a wedding related date, Bella told her that since she didn’t have her back, there was no point in having her remain in the wedding party.

Bella didn’t ask her friend why she’d been consistently flaking on her bridesmaid’s duties. She told me she didn’t have time for drama or excuses. Bella’s actually not a Bridezilla and believed her decision was the honest thing to do. But was it the only thing she could have done?

Often times, what is most obvious is not most true. Bella dismissed her friend without finding out what was going on—was she a thoughtless flake or was there another explanation?

If someone is acting in ways that confuse or frustrate you, rather than presuming they don’t care, take the time to do something that’s known as Perception Checking.
Bella presumed her bridesmaid flaked because she didn’t care, but Bella doesn’t know the real reason because she never checked what was going on. She didn’t check her perceptions.

Perception Checking has four steps:
1.     Ask the person for some time to talk—in person. If not, then by phone. Don’t try this via email or text!
2.     Describe for the person the pattern of behavior that’s confusing you—no judgments or interpretations—just the facts. For instance, in Bella’s situation, her bridesmaid didn’t go with her when she picked out her dress, she didn’t help with the shower, etc.
3.     Offer TWO possible interpretations for why the pattern is happening.  Bella could have said, “I don’t know if work has been busy for you and you haven’t been able to get away or if I’ve done something to hurt you.”
4.     Then ask the person to clarify.  Bella could have confided with, “I’m confused and I want to make sure that you do have my back, so what’s going on?”

If the person says “nothing,” then repeat the steps: state the pattern, offer other possible interpretations and explain why it’s important you understand what’s going on.

Does all this sound stilted to you?  Well, in a way it is since most of us are not taught this skill while growing up.  We learn to be quick to judge.

These four steps, though, will decrease the chances that the person will become defensive and increase the chances that she or he will engage you in open conversation.

Friday, July 05, 2013

A Kind Act Of One's Own



Last weekend I met Marie at a housewarming party.  She is the motherly neighbor of my friends who hosted the party.  When she learned that I officiate weddings and coach communications, she maneuvered me to a table and proceeded to tell me about her daughter, Clarice, who had filed for divorce just six months after her wedding. Marie asked if I would meet with her.

I doubted Clarice wanted some stranger to “reason” with her; but I felt sorry for Marie and agreed. And out of respect for her mother, Clarice, who had moved back in with her mom, also agreed.

When I stopped by the next day, I reassured Clarice that I had no intention of trying to talk her out of her decision; but, since we both agreed to meet, we might as well spend fifteen minutes together. I admitted that it was none of my business, but just out of curiosity, I wondered what had happened in the span of six months to want her to dissolve her marriage.

Embarrassed, Clarice told me that she and her husband Frank had dated since high school. They continued on through college. Everyone just presumed that some day they would marry and once out of college, the pressure was on. She then told me something that initially shocked me: “We didn’t want to disappoint our families and so we decided to get married and we just got caught-up in it all.”

Then one day, some six months later, they realized that while they still loved each other, they had no desire to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

And once again, I was reminded that life can get very whack-a-doo!

The self-help guru from the 1980’s, Leo Buscaglia, maintained that, “Not very many of us are really, in the real sense of the word, alive and living fully. I'm certain that as long as you leave your life in the hands of other people, you'll never live. You have to take the responsibility for choosing and defining your own life.”

As odd as Clarice’s story first sounded, I later realized that she really wasn’t any more “stupid” than most of us are at one time or another in our lives–and I say that respectfully!  I think most of us can be sloppy when caring for our lives, going along with decisions made by others because we don’t want to hurt feelings or accept the consequences of hard decisions.

Ironically, Clarice and Frank deciding to divorce was the kindest and bravest thing they could do because finally, they were choosing and defining their own lives.

What about you?  What kind, brave thing can you do for yourself?