The 10 Commandments Of Good E-mail

Based on feedback from people with whom I’ve had conversations, it seems my previous columns on “respect” pressed a nerve.  I had several debates over whether “respect” is something that we have to earn or we should expect.  And while opinions differed on just what constitutes “respect” most people I’ve spoken with believe that at work they don’t get the respect they deserve.

Interestingly, a recurring complaint revolves around the volume of annoying and disrespectful e-mails people receive.  Many of you feel overwhelmed with poorly written, rude in tone e-mails.

E-mail is a great communication tool when used properly.  However, when used inappropriately it can cause communication problems and unnecessary stress.

Here are 10 Tips to reduce e-mail confusion:

1.  E-mail should not be used as a substitute for face-to-face conversations.  The tone of an email can easily be misunderstood since e-mail lacks the verbal and visual cues of a conversation.  Problems and issues should be discussed in person or on the phone and not via e-mail.

2.  Don't write in ALL CAPS as it’s cyber shouting.

3.  Never send an email when you're angry. Take time to cool down and re-read the email to make sure it doesn't say anything you’ll regret later.

4.  Respond promptly to e-mails asking for your assistance.  If you aren’t able to help the person immediately, let them know when you can give them the help they’ve requested.

5.  Use the “reply all” button only when “all” need to know the info you’re sending.  If you receive an email that was sent to a group of people, reply only to those who require a response. Often times, the only person who needs a response is the sender.

6.  Copy only those people who really need to know the information in the e-mail. 

7.  Send an e-mail to confirm and/or document decisions made in a face-to-face meeting.  This will prove helpful if there are any misunderstandings down the road.

8.  Never put “No Subject” in the subject line.  The subject line indicates both the content and importance of the e-mail. Keep it brief, specific and relevant, or the receiver might not open the e-mail or may even delete without reading it!

9.  Think twice before sending humorous messages. A “funny” e-mail may seem funny to you, but it could insult someone else. E-mails that may be perceived as insulting, harassing or biased could be forwarded to others without your knowledge. Don't send anything you wouldn't want posted for all to see.

10.  Don't be a nuisance. If you don't receive a response after sending an e-mail, either send a different e-mail explaining why you’re following up, or call the person.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Part 2

Years ago I taught high school on the island of Moen in the South Pacific.  The school had nine languages represented and an international faculty.  I learned much about my self and life––one of those things being that humor doesn’t easily translate from culture to culture.

I’ve a twisted New York sense of humor and enjoy teasing people.  One day Ernie, a teacher from the Philippines, point-blank asked, “JP, why do you hate me?”  Stunned, I reassured him that I didn’t hate him.  But he proceeded to enumerate various times I joked with him, all of which he took as proof I despised him.   

Ernie interpreted what I said in a certain way, i.e. that I hated him.  He then turned his interpretation into a fact, after which he confronted me with the “fact” and demanded an explanation.  Only problem––it wasn’t a “fact” that I hated him.  My humor was not intended to hurt him, though that was its impact.

Last week I told you about Louise who thinks her supervisor, Anthony, doesn’t like her.  However, she doesn’t know that for a fact because she’s never talked with him about their relationship. 

Louise (and Ernie before her) is doing what so many of us do––she’s treating her interpretation of a situation as a “fact” when it’s not.  So, I’m urging Louise to do something called “perception checking.”  It’s a type of conversation where you seek clarity from the person whose actions are confusing you.  It goes like this:

First ask the person for time to talk.  It’s best to do this in person and not by email!  Second, describe the behavior that’s confusing you, without attaching any judgment to it.  In Louise’s case, she might say, “Anthony, you yelled at me in front of my team, you didn’t inform me of an important client meeting and you’re slow to return my calls.”  Third, offer  at least two possible interpretations for why the person is behaving in this manner.  “Anthony, I don’t know if you’re stressed and feel safe taking it out on me or if I’ve done something to offend you or if there’s something else going on.”  Fourth, ask the person to clarify. “So, Anthony, what’s going on?  Please help me understand.”

Is this an easy conversation to have?  No.  However, it gives the other person an opportunity to non-defensively explain their behavior.  If, though, the person, simply says, “nothing is going on” then repeat the steps until the person is able to offer some insight.

The beauty of this technique is that it helps to separate intent from impact and helps us get out of the soap opera we so easily create in our heads.