R-E-S-P-E-C-T : Part 1

This past week I’ve had nine clients vent to me their frustrations over not being respected––by bosses, colleagues, direct reports, and a mother-in-law!  My week was filled with the refrain, “I don’t feel respected!”

Each of these men and women feels hurt, angry, confused and each has reached the point where he or she feels like they can’t take it anymore.  And adding to all of this is a feeling of helplessness.  While each has handled his or her own situation differently, no one feels confident.

Five of the people opted not to say anything.  Two got in the other person’s face.  One found the courage to assertively confront her boss and another decided to respond with sarcasm and walk away.

One man claims he’s gained valuable insight into his boss’ unpredictable mood swings, but wishes he had been more assertive. One woman, who did find the courage to assertively address her boss’ irrational and demeaning demands, isn’t sure where she found the nerve and is surprised that her boss has backed off.

There are no hard and fast rules for communicating effectively.  You constantly need to assess who is involved, what’s the situation and what’s your goal.  You can’t figure out how to attain your goal unless you know what it is.

The issue of respect (or lack of it) is so pervasive amongst my clients and students that I’ve decided to devote several posts to the topic.  This week I want to look at how so many of us are afraid to confront a person whom we think is disrespectful.

Louise (name changed) works for a small firm owned by her brother.  She directly reports, though, to Anthony and her problem is with him.  Louise doesn’t think he respects her.  Although she feels disrespected, she actually doesn’t know how he feels about her because she’s never talked with him about their relationship.  Why?  Because she doesn’t want to upset him––even though she continues to feel upset about the way he treats her.

When I suggested I moderate a conversation between them, she almost started to hyperventilate.

But, here’s the thing––she only has two options.  She can continue to say nothing and nurture her fantasies of being emotionally abused and then one day explode, after which she’ll be labeled a b*tch.  Or, she can have a non-accusatory, non-manipulative conversation by which to clear the air.

Louise offered me a battery of “yes, buts” that make perfect sense since she’s not used to expressing her feelings in a non-explosive way.  But having that tough conversation is what real respect is all about.

Next time I will show you how to confront someone who’s being disrespectful.

New Year's Resolutions One Month Later

Melissa is a colleague whom I admire.  Every time we meet at a function, though, we end by saying, “we must do lunch” and then never do.  Last week she called and we finally did lunch.  Melissa told me that she’s hell-bent on going through her list of fav people and getting together with each person by Valentine’s Day.  This was her only resolution for the New Year. 

Although I’ve posted my thoughts about New Year’s resolutions, in light of Melissa’s enthusiasm, I thought I’d check-in with you and ask––“how’s it going?!”

I recently found out that February is National Self-Esteem Month.  I’m really not a fan of all these “national this-and-that” month or day, BUT it does seem appropriate that self-esteem month comes a month after we’ve all made some wonderful and often unfulfilled resolutions.

There’s a host of reasons for why we don’t keep resolutions, just ask Drs. Drew, Oz and Phil!  However, I think one reason is that we’re afraid of what would happen if we did keep a resolution.

In an odd way, many of us are afraid not just of failing, we’re also afraid of succeeding.  “What would life look like if I accomplished something good for myself?”  That’s a scary question because if you answer it honestly you’d have to take ownership of your life, of not playing victim, or seeking out pity.  And for many people, there’s also a lingering sense that they don’t feel worthy, deserving of success and well-being.

David, a friend of mine with great magical abilities, told me that his goal this year is to, “be less afraid of being confident.”  I love that because with confidence comes greater self-esteem and success.

A new coaching client told me that honing his communication skills is one of his top three priorities for the year.  From a business standpoint, I was grateful, but from a personal standpoint I was challenged as he got me thinking about my priorities for this year.

I must admit they seemed clearer a month ago than they do today!  And maybe that’s because I never wrote them down.  Studies show that you have a greater chance of reaching a goal if you actually write it down.  I’ve done that and I encourage you to join me.  It’s really simple––all you have to do is complete these three sentences:

The most important thing I have to do this year is. . .

The second most important things is. . .

The third most important thing is. . .

If you’re stumped and don’t have anything important to commit to, then I would ask, what are you really afraid of?  Failure or success?