“Should”–The Single Most Unrealistic Word

Last week I coached a trio of mid-level managers who enjoy pressing each other’s buttons and sabotaging each other’s work. Don’t ask!

Betsy (name changed) reassured me that given the horrific conditions at work there’s no way I could help her.  She went on to say that she’s frustrated when she talks with the people on her team.  She sighed, “When I tell them to do something, they should do it.  I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.”  Really––how realistic is that?  She proudly told me that if she and her brothers didn’t do what their parents asked, then there were consequences. 

While it’s true that companies can take on the dynamic of a family, they really aren’t a family.  Parents might be able to get away with the “or else” mandate, but workers are seldom motivated by fear.  Fear doesn’t get you to the finish line.

Betsy said that her team knows they can come to her any time with questions.  When I asked if they do come to her, she looked annoyed.  “No, of course they don’t. They’re too lazy.”  Hmm––the problem is that most people don’t feel comfortable asking questions of a person whom they fear.  And I’ve no doubt that her team fears Betsy.

I read an article (whose author I forget) that maintained, “three is the new one.”  The author claimed it takes three times for a worker in today’s workplace to grasp what you’re saying because no matter how important it is what you’re telling a co-worker, your message is competing with so many others.

Saying something is not the same as communicating.

While each of us has a responsibility for letting the other person know if we don’t understand them, it’s also true that you have a responsibility to make sure that you know if the other person hasn’t understood you.  Telling a worker to “see you” if they have any questions just isn’t enough.  Most people are embarrassed to ask questions and won’t!

So, what can you do to gain insight into whether the other person has understood you?  There are three things you can do:

1.     Have the person repeat back in their own words what it is you’re asking them to do.  If they can’t, then they don’t understand what they’re supposed to do.

2.     If the project extends beyond three days, decide on a time when the two of you will touch base and make sure things are on schedule. 

3.     Reassure them that you genuinely want them to come to you with questions.

To insist that you “shouldn’t” have to repeat yourself is unrealistic and only leads to the frustration of not having your expectations (unrealistic) met.

New Feature! "Quotable Friday"

The other night I gave a talk to a group of high school juniors––on how to prepare for college.  The gist of my talk was that the best way to prepare is to make sure that you become a person who is able to recognize and embrace opportunity whenever and wherever it presents itself.

I ended with one of my favorite quotes––the first sentence of Charles Dickens’ “David Copperfield”:

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.

I concluded with the hope that they’d each become the hero of their own life.

Now, this post is actually not about becoming the hero of your life.  However, in thinking about how I want to use this blog this year, I was reminded that since college I’ve collected quotes––quotes to inspire and prod me in my thinking and living.  I’ve got them scribbled in notebooks and index cards and truth is, many of them I’ve not looked at in a very, very long time!

So, I’ve decided to dust off the quotes and create what I’m calling “Quotable Friday.”  Each Friday I’ll share five of my favorite quotes––favorites for any and all reasons––in the hope that at least one will give you a “whack on the head” and get you thinking and seeing in a way you haven’t before.

Enjoy!

1.     Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true. (Brian Tracy)

2.     We know what we are, but know not what we may be. (Shakespeare)

3.     Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. (Mark Twain)

4.     If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astonish ourselves. (Thomas Edison)

5.     Fall seven times.  Stand up eight. (Japanese proverb)

Happy New Year! Happy 2013!

“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been”

― Rainer Maria Rilke

We never know the impact we have on another person.  Yep, it’s a cliché, BUT I was reminded of its truth yesterday when I received an email from a former UCLA Extension student. 

Because of her work schedule, Vanessa missed almost half the classes and I presumed that she took little, if anything, away from the course (Interpersonal Communications).  And so I was puzzled when I found her email.  Again, I just presumed she was looking for a favor, perhaps a recommendation. 

The email contained just one sentence:

“Thinking of everything I learned in your class and feeling oh so very grateful for the positive impact it's been in my life......HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!”

Beyond surprised, I felt grateful––and happy that I actually reached a person whom I had written off.  Ah, life!

So here it is a new year and like Vanessa, I think the best and happiest way to make a new beginning is by giving thanks for all that we take into this new beginning.

At the start of this new year, what are you grateful for from 2012? 

Have you thanked the people who gifted you in 2012? 

Believe me, an unexpected “thank you” is a much-appreciated gift!