Melissa Cistaro Shows Us How To Fight––The Undertow

Melissa Cistaro is a potent writer (and friend) who captures the humming vibrancy of a moment with stark simplicity.  I posted one of her essays earlier this year and I’m offering you today another of her memories––The Undertow.

I also have an ulterior motive in sharing this with you. Melissa has been selected as a finalist in KellyCorrigan's "Notes and Words" essay contest. Kelly Corrigan wrote the best-selling memoir "The Middle Place."

“Notes and Words” is running a "Like it" Facebook campaign to see which essays are most "popular."  So, if you like The Undertow, please click on the link and “like” her.  Melissa is a dear friend and I am unabashedly biased; however, I can’t imagine why anyone would not “like” her writing!

The Undertow | Melissa Cistaro

Notes & Words

My sandals clap across the hardwood floor and into the blue room where my children sleep.  There are school art projects that dangle from clothespins, Legos in every color, stuffed animals of every breed, and shelves full of books.  My son is asleep on the top bunk.  My little girl has called me back in for the third time.  I remind myself to be both patient and firm.  She is four.

 “Yes Bella?”

 “Mama, I keep thinking about the scary cat with red eyes.”

 “Have you tried thinking of all-things-blue?” I ask.

 “Yes.  I tried that.  I can’t sleep,” she says with a whimper.

 She reaches out and pulls at my arm.  I do not feel the patience in me tonight.

 “Mama, can you stay on my bed?  Please?”

 She doesn’t understand that I am goddamn tired.  If I lie down, I won’t be able to get back up.  My mind is on the school lunches I haven’t yet made, the stacks of dishes lined up all the way around the kitchen counter, the wet towels that are beginning to smell because they haven’t made it into the dryer yet, and then there are the twenty-four shamrock placemats that I promised to cut out for the preschool class, and the haircut appointment I need to cancel.

I look out to the yellow light in the hallway.  I can’t do this drawn out routine.   I can’t do the twenty questions, not tonight.  Okay, I think, take a deep breath and count to ten. That’s what all the parenting books say to do.      

“Bella, please, it’s time to sleep.”

 “I’m trying,” she says.

 I watch her eyes blink, and tuck the covers back snug around her body.  I place her velvet bear underneath her chin, and her shaggy cat in the crook of her arm.  I lean down to kiss her goodnight.  Her eyes pop open wide and stare at me.

 “Mama, what did your mom do when you were scared?”

 The room seems to tilt slightly sideways.  I don’t feel dizzy, but heavy, like I might not be able to stand on my own two feet.  I recognize it, this feeling, this physical sensation of being pulled backwards, like standing in the undertow at Stinson Beach.

 In this moment, I do not recall the specifics of slipping off my sandals and laying down alongside Bella on her bed.  But I am here, staring up at the ceiling with its tiny glow-in-the-dark stars.

 "Mama,” she asks again, “What did your mom do when you were scared?”

 “I can’t remember, Bella,” I say.  My body is stiff on the bed because I am not telling the truth.  I am trying so hard to do the right things, to be a good mother.

 “I didn’t get scared much,” I say.

 That’s not the truth either.

 “I guess she tucked me in and said things to help me to feel safe.  Sort of like the things I say to you,” I tell her. 

 My mouth aches, stings, like when the long needle of novocaine first pushes in.   

 I am a coward.  I am afraid of the undertow.  I don’t want her to know that sometimes a mother can’t stay. 

 “Let’s close our eyes and go to sleep,” I whisper to her.

 She smiles, pleased that I am lying on her bed, then whispers a reminder, “Don’t leave, Mama.”  The room tilts again, the ceiling stars go blurry.   

 I cannot tell her that my mom left when I was a little girl.  And yet it was a simple fact, a well memorized statement when I was growing up.  “My mom doesn’t live with us,” I’d say in the same way I’d say, “Lilacs are my favorite flowers.”  It didn’t occur to me that becoming a mother could wash to shore the wreckage of the past.  To tell my daughter this truth, is to tell myself the darkest truth.  That I was leavable.  Unkeepable.

 I come from a long line of mothers who left their children.  What if there exists some sort of genetic family flaw, some kind of “leaving gene” that unexpectedly grabs hold of mothers?  What if that leaving gene is lying dormant inside of me?  And what if my daughter with her fretful imagination worries that I might leave?

I close my eyes and rearrange my unbearable thoughts. 

 I am a mother now.  A good mother.  I rest my lips against her shoulder and breathe her in like sweet warm bread.  I want my daughter to feel safe.  Every day I build a scaffold inside of me, in hopes that she will have something sturdy to hang on to.

It’s all I can do for now.

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Why Core Values Matter

When not offering workshops or coaching clients, I’m officiating non-denominational wedding ceremonies!  I love celebrating weddings as I get to share with people one of the happiest times of their lives.  I also get to work with some of the most wildly creative people I could ever hope to encounter.

Last year I officiated a wedding in the mountains north of Santa Barbara.  The couple hired a pair of videographers I hadn’t worked with before––ShadeTree Films.  I recently got a copy of the video and was charmed by their work.

Curious to learn more about them, I wander over to their website.  Now, even though you’re not reading this blog in the hope of finding a wedding videographer, I want to share with you their philosophy.  I think they have something to say to anyone who’s in the business of dealing with people––and isn’t that each of us, all of us?

. . .we feel there are a few things you need to know about what it’s like to work with us. As much as we want you to ask about our work, we think it’s equally important that you jive with us too!

HERE ARE OUR CORE VALUES. We carry them with us wherever we go, yes, we’ll even bring them to your big day (don’t worry, they don’t eat):

Generosity. We love working with couples who are givers. Couples who put their guest’s experience above details like centerpieces and place cards. We’re drawn to generous spirits because it’s something we feel is the cornerstone of our ability to tell your story accurately and authentically.

Trust. We know this day is insanely important to you (as it should be). We also know you have a lot on your plate and don’t want to be one more worry of yours on your big day. We trust you to have the time of your life, you trust us to do what we do best: get it all on film.

Love of the art. There is nothing better than working with clients who have a deep appreciation for the work we do. They have more fun, they’re more relaxed and their films turn out to be our best work as a result.

Authenticity and honesty. Couples who are honest with us and themselves and who bring their true selves every time we see them completely rock our worlds. It’s that rawness that tells the real story. And there’s nothing more beautiful than that!

I smiled when I read this because it suddenly all made sense––why I took an immediate liking to them, why I instinctively trusted that they were going to do a great job of capturing the ceremony, why I felt relaxed around them, and why the couple, who were from England and hired them via a Skype call, knew that they were the team to share in the intimacy of their day.

These guys are artists, but skill alone doesn’t get you to the level they’re at in their profession.  Core Values infuse everything they are and everything they do and I think it makes their work even more riveting.

What about you?

·         What are your CORE VALUES and how do they influence the way you present yourself to colleagues and clients?

·         Is there a value you have not “valued” and now want to cultivate?

·         What’s stopping you?

·         How would your life be different if you did cultivate that neglected value?

·         What are your CORE VALUES and how do they influence the way you present yourself to colleagues and clients?

·         Is there a value you have not “valued” and now want to cultivate?

·         What’s stopping you?

·         How would your life be different if you did cultivate that neglected value?

4 Phrases That Annoy And Confuse People

I’m biased. . .I’m convinced that we live at a time when talk is cheap and it’s cheap because:

·        we say things without thinking

·        we’re too tired to think about what we really want to say

·        we find it easier to get rid of people with cheap talk than real talk

Cheap talk confuses people as it doesn’t let them know what you’re really thinking and feeling.  And sometimes that’s how we like it!  At some point, though, cheap talk gets expensive when we have to spend more time explaining why we didn’t deliver on what we seemed to have promised.

Here are four phrases that we all use on a daily basis.  We usually toss out these phrases when we don’t have time for a real answer or when we don’t want to give a real answer!

"Try"

is a “nice” word meant to give the other person some hope that they’ll get what they need.  I’m guilty of over-using this word, as I have this (annoying) habit of not wanting to disappoint people in the here and now.  I try to buy time with “try” in the hope that I’ll be able to help them.   More times than not, my “trying” doesn’t work out.

Tell the other person exactly what you’re going to do when you “try” to do what they’ve asked of you.  Let them know what your “trying” entails.

"I'll get back to you"

is said when you need to buy time and you want to get rid of the other person because you don’t want to have to deal with them right now.  How often do people get back to you when they say, “I’ll bet back to you”? 

Tell the other person specifically when you’ll get back to them and then make sure you do, even if you don’t have what they need.

"I guess . . ."

is mumbled when you only partially agree with the other person and for whatever reason you don’t want to continue the discussion or argument.  Your body language and tone of voice always gives you away!  Even if the person accepts your begrudging “I guess,” they’ll walk away thinking you have attitude.

Tell the other person what you agree with and what you don’t agree with, IF it is vital for them to know for the sake of a project or important plans.

"We'll see . . . “

is a fav phrase of our parents. It was their “nice” way of saying no.  Recently my ten-year old godson, Finn, asked if we could go to Target (and get a Skylander toy).  I said, “we’ll see.”  He looked puzzled and said, “What will we see?”  He pressed on, “will we see or will you see?” 

Tell the other person why you’re hesitant to give a firm answer; let them know what your doubts and concerns are.

And, yes, I surrendered. . .I took Finn to Target. . .and it wasn’t a “cheap” outing

How To Deal With "People Pleasers" Who Annoy You

When growing up, my father used to say: “kid, don’t upset your mother––whatever she wants, say ‘yes’ and then do what you want, just don’t let her know.”  Sounded good to me, so that’s what I did!  When I tell this anecdote to workshops, people gasp––and then laugh, as it’s so outrageous and, for some, rings true.

From an early age I learned how to not rock the boat and I became astute at pleasing people.  Over the years, I’ve way-too-often said “yes” to a request when, in my heart of hearts, I knew that I couldn’t conveniently, readily, or punctually do what the other person asked of me.  I’d say “yes” ––only to disappoint and then have to go on at great length apologizing for not getting done what I said I’d get done.

In recent postings I’ve talked about the ways in which people can be difficult.  Ironically, people who want to get along with others, who want to gain their respect, are often times the most difficult!

Why?

If a person’s self-confidence is so shaky as to make them socially insecure, then they might obsessively focus on wanting to get along.  Because they don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the possible future of a relationship, they don’t speak truthfully––or, in some cases, they don’t speak at all.

Three ways in which people can bite their tongue:

THE MUTE PERSON lacks confidence in their ability to present themselves in an intelligent, engaging way and so they say nothing, thinking this will ingratiate them to others.

THE YES PERSON is so eager to gain the liking of others that they don’t stop to think about what is being asked of them.  They believe that it’s their mission in life to help out everyone, no matter the cost to themselves.

THE MAYBE PERSON is sly.  They know they have to speak up, they also know they can’t do what you’ve asked of them, and they are torn because they’re fearful of your reaction if they give you a direct “no.” So, they hedge their bets.  They string you along with a well-turned “maybe.”

When a person doesn’t express their self honestly, afraid of being disowned, they can only grow in anxiety and resentment.  After a while, they look upon their self as a martyr or a doormat and blame others.  Then, the person usually becomes more difficult.

So, how can we help these people? 

By helping them find their voice. 

You help the person who responds with nothing by being PATIENT.  Ugh!  I am not a patient person, so I say this knowing how challenging it is.  Your goal is to coax them into revealing what they’re thinking and feeling.  You do this by letting them know that you want to know and explain why it’s important you know. Prod them along with open-ended questions.  Do what you can to reassure them that there are no negative consequences.   

You help the person whose favorite response is yes by being PATIENT.  Ugh!  Patience again.  Your goal is to get them to either realistically sign-on to a task OR to honestly back down from a task they’re not able to complete in the way you need.  Reassure them that you appreciate their generosity and that you’ve got viable options if they can’t help you.  They may very well say “yes” three times before they actually ‘fess up to the truth.

You help the person who holds fast to a maybe by being PATIENT. Ugh!  Yes, all three of these people demand that we make the time (anywhere from an uninterrupted 5-10 minutes) to train them to speak.  Your goal for the maybe person is to help them learn how to make a decision that is in the best interest of both you and themselves.  You want to reassure them that taking a clear stand helps each of you and explain how it helps. 

Go ahead and show a "people-pleaser" how to “rock the boat!”

Why We Should Care That Greg Smith Resigned From Goldman-Sachs

This is an excerpt from an Opinion Piece that appears in today’s New York Times.  The writer, Greg Smith is resigning as a Goldman Sachs executive director and head of the firm’s United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa.  His article explains why he’s resigning.

Why I Am Leaving Goldman Sachs

Greg Smith  NYT  3/14/12

TODAY is my last day at Goldman Sachs. After almost 12 years at the firm — first as a summer intern while at Stanford, then in New York for 10 years, and now in London — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the client continue to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making money. Goldman Sachs is one of the world’s largest and most important investment banks and it is too integral to global finance to continue to act this way. The firm has veered so far from the place I joined right out of college that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify with what it stands for.

It might sound surprising to a skeptical public, but culture was always a vital part of Goldman Sachs’s success. It revolved around teamwork, integrity, a spirit of humility, and always doing right by our clients. The culture was the secret sauce that made this place great and allowed us to earn our clients’ trust for 143 years. It wasn’t just about making money; this alone will not sustain a firm for so long. It had something to do with pride and belief in the organization.

. . .Over the course of my career I have had the privilege of advising two of the largest hedge funds on the planet, five of the largest asset managers in the United States, and three of the most prominent sovereign wealth funds in the Middle East and Asia. My clients have a total asset base of more than a trillion dollars. I have always taken a lot of pride in advising my clients to do what I believe is right for them, even if it means less money for the firm. This view is becoming increasingly unpopular at Goldman Sachs. Another sign that it was time to leave. . .

How did we get here? The firm changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and doing the right thing. Today, if you make enough money for the firm (and are not currently an ax murderer) you will be promoted into a position of influence. . .

I attend derivatives sales meetings where not one single minute is spent asking questions about how we can help clients. It’s purely about how we can make the most possible money off of them. If you were an alien from Mars and sat in on one of these meetings, you would believe that a client’s success or progress was not part of the thought process at all. . .

It makes me ill how callously people talk about ripping their clients off. Over the last 12 months I have seen five different managing directors refer to their own clients as “muppets,” sometimes over internal e-mail. . .

It astounds me how little senior management gets a basic truth: If clients don’t trust you they will eventually stop doing business with you. It doesn’t matter how smart you are.

These days, the most common question I get from junior analysts about derivatives is, “How much money did we make off the client?” It bothers me every time I hear it, because it is a clear reflection of what they are observing from their leaders about the way they should behave. Now project 10 years into the future: You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that the junior analyst sitting quietly in the corner of the room hearing about “muppets,” “ripping eyeballs out” and “getting paid” doesn’t exactly turn into a model citizen.

I hope this can be a wake-up call to the board of directors. Make the client the focal point of your business again. Without clients you will not make money. In fact, you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much money they make for the firm. And get the culture right again, so people want to work here for the right reasons.

Why should any of us care that Greg Smith is resigning?  Well, we should care because he’s written an extraordinary “resignation letter” and he’s doing what countless people, especially in the financial world, want to do and yet are not able to do.  For many, resigning from their morally bankrupt company would place their family in financial jeopardy.  For many others resigning from their toxic environments demands a courage that they don’t yet have.  I write that last sentence not as a judgment.  Life is very messy.  And, yet, perhaps what’s most challenging about Smith’s letter is that he reminds us that life doesn’t have to be as messy as we make it out to be.

I’ve no doubt that Greg’s article will be commented upon and debated by pundits of every stripe in the days and weeks to come.  And so I’ll here toss in my own two cents.

One of the things that makes his piece so startling is that he states just basic truths––truths so basic, so truthful, that we tend to forget how core they are to our individual and collective well-being.

Earlier this week I was hired to conduct a one-day workshop in August on “Leading and Motivating Employees.”  In some respects, Smith has done my work for me in that his essay lays out what a leader needs to do.  He takes just six sentences to describe the responsibility of a leader (not just at Goldman Sachs):

1.   Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and doing the right thing.

2.   Make the client the focal point of your business again.

3.   Without clients you will not make money.

4.   In fact, you will not exist.

5.   Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much money they make for the firm.

6.   And get the culture right again, so people want to work here for the right reasons. 

It’s this “simple.”

I’m going to be reflecting on Smith’s article in the days to come and if you read the entire article, I think you will, too.

The question I’ll be asking myself, and that you might ask yourself is this: 

what kind of toxicity am I tolerating in my life and why am tolerating it?  What price am I paying and is it worth it?

How To Deal With A Perfectionist

One of my favorite resorts is The Pelican Hill in Newport Beach, CA.  Beginning with the car valets on through to the managers, the service is impeccably warm, gracious, understanding, and laced with good-natured humor.  The Director of Catering told me that the resort’s guiding motto is “the pursuit of perfection.”

I appreciate that word “pursuit” because it implies that perfection is never fully attained or rather that perfection can only be found in the pursuit.

People who obsess with perfection can often slip easily and unknowingly into difficult behavior.  As a “recovering perfectionist” I’ll testify to this.

How does a difficult perfectionist behave? 

When your driving goal is to get what needs done perfectly, then you’ll become a contortionist to avoid a mistake.  When you feel thwarted by seemingly insurmountable obstacles or when you cave in to the demon voices that tell you perfection is lost, you become one of two things––a wallowing pessimist or a ruthless perfectionist. 

Your despair can appear as:

THE WHINER who complains because they’re hardened in the belief that they’re impotent in their pursuit of perfection.  They lose hope because of all the problems that stymy them and, feeling hopeless, they harp on those problems as proof that all is lost.  They strive to be “perfect” in their whining!

THE NO PERSON who nay-says everything in a way that is more abrasive than assertive.  Their mantra is “we tried it and it didn’t work” and repeat it as though in a trance.

THE NOTHING PERSON who shuts-up and literally says nothing because their frustration has gripped their throats preventing them from speaking.  

How do you deal with people when they belligerently give in to despair of their own making?

Don’t get entrapped by their negativity.  They want you to feel guilty for your part in failing to bring about perfection and/or they want you to feel as negative as they do and/or they want you to go to great lengths to soothe them, taking satisfaction from knowing that you’ll never be able to.

It’s all whack-a-doo and, yet, within the parameters of its own logic, “perfectly” sensible!  So, how do you deal with and manage such behavior?  By not doing the following:

Don’t get angry.  Don’t be impatient.  Don’t try to solve their problems.

When dealing with the Whiner, sift through their complaints to figure out what the main concern is that has brought them to this dark place.  Reassure them that you need their input and that you’re convinced a solution can (must) be found.  Firmly guide the discussion so that you continually shift back to the focus of solutions and not impasses.

When dealing with the No Person, remind them that you want to use their experience and insights into reaching a goal.  The past informs the present but does not dictate the present.  Acknowledge their past contributions and ask specifically for what you want from them. 

When dealing with the Nothing Person, acknowledge them: I know that you want this to be right and I value that.  Explain why and how you need their input.  Help them contribute by asking open-ended questions in a way that is genuinely inquisitive and collegial. 

When dealing with any of these three behaviors, one conversation most likely will not be enough.  These are ingrained patterns and beliefs and you have to consistently chip away at the perfectionist’s protective barriers.

If you assert your goals and objectives, explain why they are vital, and why you need the person onboard in a way that is realistic and motivating then you’ll go a long way to turning him or her into a person who is driven by the ‘pursuit” of perfection and not perfection itself.

What Pam, My Accountant, Taught Me

This was a week of reckoning for me–– I visited my accountant, Pam, for tax preparation. 

I’ve been going to Pam for just four years, yet I feel like we went to high school together.  She’s gracious, funny, competent and I trust her completely.  That’s a wonderful feeling to have for someone especially when you see them once a year under “somewhat” unpleasant circumstances!

While putting my tax stuff together, it occurred to me just how patient Pam is.  I’m not sure why I thought of this; perhaps it’s because of my recent postings on dealing with difficult people.  While I don’t intend to be difficult, the last two years I showed up at her office not having all the info she needed.  And yet she remained beyond friendly.

This time, I made it a point to thank her for her patience and complimented her people skills.  She was both surprised and flattered––and then told me something that both surprised and impressed me.

There was a time in her life when she had little interest in accounting.  She thought banging away at numbers would be beyond boring.  She became an accountant, though, and quickly discovered that there’s more to it than crunching numbers. 

There are people. 

People don’t just give her figures to plug into tax forms.  People tell her stories about those numbers.  She listens to the successes and fears and confusions swirling through those numbers.  There are times when she feels like she’s part therapist, part priest.

She loves her job because she loves people’s stories.

However, not everyone has a story she wants to hear.  When she started out on her own she was desperate for business.  She’d take anyone on as a client.  Now, though, she’s reached a place in her career where she doesn’t have to work with everyone who comes a ‘knocking.

She recently “fired” a client. 

He was chronically late in getting info to her, had an attitude, and complained that she wasn’t delivering.  Then, one day, he yelled at her.  She stopped him––he didn’t have permission to yell at her.  It was then she realized that she didn’t have to work with this man.  She didn’t need or want him in her life.  And so she terminated their relationship. 

Pam is fortunate.  She works for herself and is in a place where she consciously can decide with whom she wants to work.  While not all of us might be in that financial position, each of us can consciously decide––what and who am I willing to tolerate and why? 

Everyone who is in your life is there because you invited him or her.  Yes, even your family.  Why are the people who are in your life, in your life?  Is anyone there who is zapping your emotional (and physical) energy?  Why do you tolerate them?

This year Pam saved me money––and reminded me of an important lesson when dealing with difficult people. . .

What To Do When People Think You're Incompetent

One of the most common times for someone to become difficult is when they believe that you’re not going to get an assignment done––whether it’s because you’re incompetent, lazy, or you just don’t have what it takes.

Convinced you’re not up to the task, a person can act out in any number of annoying ways.  Three favs:

The Steamroller––will push you aside verbally, authoritatively, and even (though seldom) physically.  They literally want you out of their way.

The Sniper––will handle you in a more subtle, lethal way.  They’ll toss off a seemingly innocent question or comment that sinks into your psyche and makes you wonder if they’re dissing you.  You begin to second guess them––and yourself.  They want to confuse and hopefully embarrass you in front of others.

The Know-It-All––will dump all that they know (and they know a lot) on you.  They don’t respect your competency and want to remind you of just how little you know compared to them.  They’ll dominate a conversation, lacing it with all the faults they readily find in your work and your thinking.

It’s vital for your mental well being that you know how to protect yourself.  If you don’t, you’ll slump along feeling inadequate and overwhelmed.

How do you deal with people when they’re annoyed because they believe you’re not able to get a job done?

Don’t give them what they want! 

Huh? 

Because these folks are acting out in a passive-aggressive way, this has now become a game for them with the goal of making you feel like crap.  So, you can spoil their fun by not giving them what they want. 

What do they want?

The Steamroller wants you to feel intimidated.  Don’t be!  Hold your ground––not by becoming defensive or by yelling or crying––rather, by listening, then interrupting, so as to acknowledge their point and assert yourself:  Jill, I see you’re upset and worried AND I want you to know that you and I both want what’s best for this project.  Let me quickly review the specific steps we’re taking. . .”

Reassure, offer specifics, call the person by their name (calling someone by their name has the power to snap them out of their self-imposed emotional trance), be calm, make     sure your non-verbal matches your verbal. 

The Sniper––wants you to feel uneasy and hopefully embarrassed.  More times than not, others present at the encounter know what’s going on and feel relieved that the game is being played with you and not them.

Take charge of the moment.  Play dumb.  When the Sniper tosses out a question or comment that you sense is intended to show you up, respond with an “innocent” question such as, I’m not sure I understand what you mean; what are you saying?  A Sniper doesn’t want to have to explain their passive-aggressive remark, as it spoils their fun.  More times than not, they’ll have to back track.

The Know-It-All––wants you to feel stupid.  If you know that you’re going to be working with a Know-It-All, then you better know it all.  If not, you’re leaving yourself open to ridicule.

If you’ve done your work and know what you need to know, then, when the Know-It-All attempts to silence you with a data-dump, assertively, collegially, interject your thoughts:

Mike, I agree absolutely with you AND I’d just add. . . 

Let you’re non-verbal convey that you are confident and not feeling bamboozled.  Look the person in the eye, smile in agreement, feel like a colleague and not the quaking high- schooler you may be feeling like!

Bottom line:  don’t let them see that you’re rattled––that’s what they want.  Understand why the other person is being difficult and then you can adjust your communication strategy.