Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Why People Are Annoying (Including You and Me) Part 2


So, are you able to say what makes you a difficult person?  I’m presuming you were
readily able to describe the kind of behavior that makes people difficult for you.  Did you notice any similarities in the way you can be difficult and in the way others are difficult for you?

If you’re being honest (and I presume you are) I think you’ll recognize that it’s not about “them” vs. “us.”  We really are all in this together.

In learning how to manage difficult behavior––others and our own––it’s essential to recognize a CORE TRUTH:

We all do what we do, say what we say, for a reason.  We don’t just randomly do and say things.  We are always trying to accomplish something.  We do and speak (the good, the bad, the ugly) for a reason.  As people, we are purpose driven.

Because we live our lives wanting to accomplish many things, our goals guide our behavior.  There are three common, overarching goals, though, that merit looking at:

1.     wanting to get something done
2.     wanting to get something done perfectly right
3.     wanting to get along with others and get appreciated by others

These three goals guide much of our behavior––consciously and unconsciously.

Now, here’s the thing. . .
What happens when you want to get something done and you don’t think the person in charge of getting it done is going to get it done?  What do you become?  Difficult.  How?  You become controlling because you’ve lost both faith in and patience with the other person(s).

What happens when your focus is obsessed not simply on getting the job done but also on getting it done perfectly?  What do you become?  Difficult.  How?  Well, yes, you become controlling AND your demand for perfection kicks in.  OR, and here the “weird” psychology part takes over, you might become a pessimist because you don’t believe that what needs to get done perfectly will ever get done perfectly.  Despair drips over you.

What happens when you want to have people like you, really like you, and recognize you and appreciate you?   What do you become?  Difficult.  How?  You’ll do pretty much anything to get their attention and/or approval because you’re consumed with getting others’ to notice you.  Ironically, your desire for the lovin’ results in you becoming a pain in the butt!

Another CORE TRUTH:

You and I most readily become difficult when we need something and we believe (rightly or wrongly) that we’re not getting what we so desperately want.  And everybody we work with, live with, is just like us.

Understand what the person who is acting out in a difficult manner wants and you then can figure out how to deal with them successfully.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Why People Are Annoying (Including You and Me) Part 1


All of my work is grounded on FOUR CORE BELIEFS:

1.   While growing up, most of us never learned healthy, effective communication skills. It was all hit-n-miss.

2.   Old habits die-hard.

3.   We can change no one; however, if you change how you routinely deal with a person, then they’re forced to change how they deal with you.

4.   Communication is about psychology and strategy—understand how people think and then you can decide how to effectively communicate with them.

So many of us put up with rude, inappropriate behaviors. Instead of speaking up, the desire to be liked, to avoid conflict, or to protect another's feelings takes over and we end up keeping our mouths shut––and our resentments bottled-up inside. 

Frustration, stress, and misplaced anger are the by-products of giving difficult people permission to mistreat us.

People come to me believing that they have no alternatives when dealing with the difficult people in their lives.  What am I supposed to do?  I just can’t. . .

The truth is, you can stop the cycle of frustration.  However, in order to come up with a strategy for dealing with the difficult behaviors in your life, there are two questions you must first answer.  Consider:

What makes difficult people difficult for you?

What makes you difficult?

Here’s the thing. . . until you understand why a person’s behavior is difficult for you, you will not be able to effectively practice any of the tips, tricks, and strategies I’m going to give you.

What’s more. . .it’s not enough to accuse other people of being difficult.  This is not an “us” vs. “them” scenario.  The fact is, each one of us can be, has been, and is difficult to other people.  Gain insight into what causes you to be difficult and you’ll gain insight into what makes other people difficult.  With that insight, you’ll be able to come up with ways to deal with, manage,  and defuse difficult people and behavior.

What are the skills needed to productively and tactfully deal with difficult behavior? 

Here’s where psychology comes into play. . .

People act out in difficult ways when they believe you do not “see” them––do not understand or care about their needs, desires, and concerns.

Dealing tactfully with and managing difficult people is all about reassuring them, convincing them, that you do “see” them.

Next time, I’ll tell you simple ways with which you can reassure a “difficult person” that you see and understand the source of their concern and agitation.  In the meantime. . . answer these two questions:

What makes difficult people difficult for you?

What makes you difficult?







Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Information vs. Communication

The two words 'information' and 'communication'
are often used interchangeably,
BUT
they signify quite different things.

Information is giving out
 Communication is getting through.

Sydney J. Harris, American journalist